Toxic Marriage – Fight or Flight?

The battle you are going through is not fueled by the words or actions of others; it is fueled by the mind that gives it importance. ―Shannon L. Alder

Falling in love is easy as a cracking star, it happens in the blink of an eye and before you know about it, you have fallen head over heels. However, not every story is a fairytale, some end up in complicated glitches for a lifetime while others emerge victorious. Well, do they now? You don’t know what is going on beneath the surface. The happy couple might just be a facade for all and sundry while the reality was miles and miles away. Now, no one wants to be stuck in such sad situation all their life. Some people compromise while some walk towards freedom. Which one do you call triumph? Confusing, isn’t it? So, what does one do about it?

The best thing to do is to listen to your inner voice. Your inner voice can never be wrong. The worst thing that one could do to themselves is to suppress their inner voice. It will leave you emotionally and mentally disturbed and you shall be of no use to yourself or your family. Hence, it’s best to listen to your heart and make decisions accordingly.
Yes, you may be in love with him but you obviously love yourself more. If you’re not happy, you have every right in the world to seek happiness. You may decide after having given everything a thought. You will have to think from objective, emotional and practical angles before coming to a decision. Once you have made the decision, stick with it. It’s going to be difficult but you will have to persevere. Here is how you stick by your decisions –

If you decide to walk out

To be of good quality, you have to excuse yourself from the presence of shallow and callow minded individuals. ―Michael Bassey Johnson

  • Walk out with grace You don’t have to stomp out like a kid. You are a level headed adult and it would be nice if you talk things out and let your partner know that you are leaving. If they are as level headed as you, they will understand. If they don’t, stomp out, you don’t really have an option.
  • Accounts, transactions and more…..
    If you two have been in a live-in relationship, you will have to sort out finances and things. Who takes what and how much money needs to be divided will have to be seen.
  • Clean slate
    You don’t want the burden of the past to bother you, do you? Ensure that you are completely done and are leaving nothing behind or taking anything with you. As tempting as it may be to keep a souvenir, for just now hide it at the back of your closet….you can reminisce over it later when the relationship becomes a lost memory. Right now, you don’t need that to refresh your memory anyway. So, better keep it away.

If you decide to stay

    • Steel yourself woman!
      It is not going to be an easy journey and it will take you a whole lot of effort to stay in the relationship where you aren’t happy but since you have made your decision, you will have to have a very strong will.
    • Learn to adjust or put up a huge fight daily
      Either ways, it is going to be hell. It is your choice about what you are going to do, if you have decided to stay in an unhappy relationship. Either you adjust with everything that you don’t like or you fight every day until you finally get it right.
    • Don’t allow yourself to be mistreated
      You might have chosen to be in an unhappy relationship but that doesn’t give anyone the right to mistreat you. You need to keep your self-respect intact under all circumstances. If your partner is unwilling to understand this, let him know so in very clear words.

And why is it, thought Lara, that my fate is to see everything and take it all so much to heart?―Boris Pasternak

  • Take time out for yourself
    There is every chance in the world that you are completely occupied with the relationship with absolutely no time for yourself. Ensure that you have personal time. Set aside a time and come what may, don’t give up that time for anyone ever. After all, only if you give yourself importance will others learn to do so.

It is usually expected of a woman to adjust to the whims and fancies of men but it isn’t necessary that all women shall consent to it. Every woman is free to make her choice. She can do whatever she likes as per her will. If she wishes to stay in the relationship, in spite of its demanding nature, it is her choice and if she does not, then also it is her choice.
No one has the right to force an individual into anything including a relationship. Therefore, respect a woman and do not misuse her. It takes courage to give yourself away to someone you aren’t happy with. Therefore, if you are still not respected, learn to stand up for yourself.
Where is the need to give yourself away to a man who doesn’t respect you or stand by you? You absolutely shouldn’t be doing something like this. It is hard to walk away from the man you have loved and given so much to, a man you have invested so much in but think of it as liberation. Think of all the bad times you have had together and you will automatically start to feel good. After all, not everyone has the strength to walk away from someone they are deeply in love with.

Remember that both walking away and staying in the relationship will require an equal amount of strength on an emotional level. However, walking away will mean that someday you will not have to be strong, someday you can forgo the past and look happily towards the future but staying in the relationship will mean that every single day is a fight it is up to you to choose. Sometimes, the pull of love is so strong that you just don’t want to go. Again, if you are staying out of love, then it is indeed a wonderful decision to make and hopefully, your man shall understand this someday.


Sad looking siblings with their arguing parents behind them

Things get complicated as hell if children are involved. For, you might decide to stay together just for the children but you also need to think about if what you are doing is healthy for the children or not. The child may not understand anything at the moment but as he or she grows up, he/she will. He or she might feel guilty for having made you stay in an unhappy relationship.
Even if you walk out on each other, then decide amicably over the custody of children instead of fighting over it. Talk to the children and explain to them what it is that is going to happen so that there is no confusion. The child shouldn’t be in a dilemma about what’s going on between his or her parents and hence, he or she ought to be told clearly about what’s going on.
The child is as emotionally drained out as the 2 of you and needs a lot of support and caring. Ensure that he or she is provided with the same. If you can’t do it yourself, then get some relative to do it or take your child to the counselor.
Whatever it is that you do in the end, think through all the angles and then make a final decision; don’t make a decision in haste or in anger. Think with a calm mind.
Remember, whatever you think is going to have repercussions and hence, you shouldn’t do anything in a hurry. Both you and your partner will have to sit down and talk this out. If you want to leave, let him know that you do want to leave and don’t give in to manipulation.
You have made a decision and a thoughtful one too and you need to stick to it now. You have been through this mess enough to know that it is indeed time to walk out.
Also, if you aren’t walking out, ensure that you have made it clear that you are not compromising on anything. Do take a stand for yourself.


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