If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.
– Emily Bronte
We have taught you how to get over a break-up before but let your relationship expert help you out with dealing with complete loss too. If you were in a happy relationship, this isn’t going to be easy; but try, you must!
How to rebuild yourself after the loss of that special someone
‘Life is full of possibilities, whereas death is so final’ said a wise author of a popular series, and whatever the context maybe, the universality of that truth shakes us to the very core due to realness that resonates with everyone. No matter rich or poor, everyone will suffer the same fate. Knowing this, we carry on with our lives, turning a blind spot towards the dark end that is at the end of each of our tunnels. In our own sense we busy ourselves with something to fill the void to never think of the subject, until one day it all crashes down. We are pulled from our deliberate ignorance and made to face the scary face of death. One of such life changing event other than escaping death, is the passing of that someone who was the other half of your life.
Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.
– Norman Cousins
Death of a loved one after long fight for life
The demise of a spouse is smoothing so devastating that it can scar for life, especially if it’s the demise of someone who you have been through thick and thin and been together since many years. When a loved one has developed a serious disease that there no hope of recovery is tragic. Even when there is no hope, there is still a flame of faith left for a miracle.
These wounds won’t seem to heal; this pain is just too real. There is just too much that time cannot erase
– Amy Lee
Taking care of a dying person is difficult and all the more heart breaking when it is your better half. At such times, one almost accepts that death is coming and prepares for that impact when their world would crumble around. However, hard you prepare, even an expected loss is difficult to get over, because for the most part when an individual has invested so much in one person, their death renders one unable to even consider meeting someone else, let alone consider getting in a relationship. After a long duration of your time, energy and emotion spent on that person, one is too exhausted to invest themselves in another one. The fear of what will happen keeps us from moving on.
Death of a loved one in an unexpected incident
Its things that you least expect, hits you the hardest
When death is expected, one has a time to prepare to get hurt and almost expect the grief of losing someone so dear to us. However nothing prepares people to deal with an unexpected blow of demise of your other half. When it sudden, it sounds so ridiculous that it seems unreal. One minute, you were talking with that very person, making jokes, having silly arguments…making decisions for the future.
The most painful goodbyes are never said, never explained
What hurts is that you had a future with this person. You had all your hopes and dreams pinned on this person, who now no longer exists. All of your plans were for “us” and what is remained is just “you”. Getting over the shock and accepting that a person is gone forever, is probably one of the most challenging thing for an individual to go through.
The stages of Loss and Grief
Greif is a natural response to loss and the more personal it is the harder it is for one to overcome. Loss of a parent, a child and your spouse are the three losses that hit the hardest. While, you have you’re a shoulder to support you in the death of a parent or a child, the death of your partner makes one feel alone in loss, therefore much harder. It must be noted that, not everyone expresses grief in a similar manner. As the grief is so personal, every individual has their own way to deal with it. That is the reason, why after the death of someone, there is no standard time where you get back to dating other people.
That is not to say that those who start dating quickly have gone through less than those who wait for years and still are unable to restart their life. There are much preconceived notions of how one deals with loss, one of the most common one is that
- The grief is less if one doesn’t cry after a loved one’s death–
This is not true. Crying to some people may be synonymous with sadness, but there are many who show their grief in a different way than crying. The after effect of the loss can be obvious in some and subtle in some.
- Ignoring pain makes it go away–
When that dear one is taken away from us, most people fear the pain that will come with it and ignore it in the comfort of numbness. However, the more you ignore the pain, the more it deepens and becomes a type of a tumor that just keeps on accumulating, only to hurt in the long run.
- There is a specific amount of time for getting over loss–
Like said before, grief is personal and differs from individual to individual. While someone may become increasingly dependent on someone, others tend to isolate.
According to the studies, there are five stages of loss and grief –
“The loss of a loved one turns our life upside down. Our world as we knew it has changed and those changes require that we in turn adjust to a new “normal.”
The initial phase, when the wound is so fresh it is almost bewildering. When you lose someone who has spent most of their time with you, it is shocking that they will never be with you again. Denial and isolation is the first sign of pain and almost defense mechanism to save ourselves.
When eventually it wears out, there comes the reality of the situation. It so painful that a person reels with anger for anyone – it might be someone totally unknown, medical professional who was treating the loved one, inanimate objects, God and even yourself.
After blaming, you wonder what could have been. “What if I had done something sooner? What if I had been a better person for them?” these questions will take place in your head and your heart. They will haunt you with indefinite answers that will make you feel helpless.
There are two common types of how people deal with the trauma of death. Some get busy with practical implications of death for e.g. – like the burial, costs etc. The main emotions are regret and guilt of spending less time taking care of others. The more private depression is the quite personal one where we prepare ourselves to say goodbye to that loved one.
This is when one makes peace with the reality of a loss. However, not everyone reaches this state of mourning; many are left to fight a weary battle of depression for life after their better half is gone forever. This is a stage which is marked with calmness and withdrawal; there is peace but no happiness.
Moving on with your life
If I could have just one more day and wishes did come true, I’d spend every glorious moment, side by side with you….
– Kathy Parenteau
There’s no right amount of time, to move on with your life. Other might judge for moving too quickly and nag for moving on and get on with your life, but the truth is no one knows your condition other than you. Therefore the person you should be asking is your self – are you ready to care for another partner?
Don’t feel guilty for accepting another person in your life, because even if you move on with a new relationship, doesn’t mean that you are replacing the person you loved the most.