After the lot of talk that we have been doing about exes, we shouldn’t be leaving this one out. So, you are chatting on facebook with your ex? Now, this is utterly confusing a situation, isn’t it? It didn’t work out the first time you were in a long distance relationship and here you are, happily chatting away with your ex like that time never existed. However, once the thought crops up in your mind, it is often confusing what you are doing here and why on earth are you chatting with your ex. This is really crazy now, isn’t it! Your relationship expert is here to help as usual!
She affected me, even when she was absent.
―Shannon A. Thompson
So, practically speaking, you shouldn’t be talking to your ex, h/she is your ‘ex’ after all but who said love had anything to do with practicality. It is the most impractical thing one has ever heard, isn’t it? When has love been logical and realistic? Love is as emotional as it can get.
Hence, don’t you take a practical decision when it comes to love but at the same time; don’t be completely illogical about it either. Love is always tricky and it gets even trickier when long distance comes into picture. While it sounds amazing to say, distance makes the heart grow fonder, too much distance isn’t good for health either. It might just ruin the relationship for all you know. So, how do you handle staying in a long distance relationship with your ex? Here are a few tips to help you survive –
Let’s be clear
Don’t assume things and don’t let the other party assume things either. If there is confusion or if things are unclear, it would be nice to clear the air as soon as possible. You don’t want to find yourself in a relationship after you have fallen in love with another guy/girl.
Walk out if need be
Yes, it might be hard to walk out a second time but if that is the need of the day, do so. You will have to steel yourself like crazy when doing this. Otherwise, you may end up in this clumsy relationship for the rest of your life and that isn’t a space anyone ought to be looking for. If the casual yet flirty chatting isn’t making you happy, you have every right to walk out on the other person. Of course, you let them know about it.
As far as possible, keep it to friendship. After all, you didn’t axe them for nothing. Remember why you called it off with them every time you feel close and it will be easier to keep yourself in place. After all, the bottom line is that the person you are chatting to is your ex, which means you are no longer dating them, then why should you be blushing at their chats! Keep yourself in check about this as far as possible. Or else, you will have a crash landing sooner or later.
Now, while you may have cleared out of your just chatting phase, there is still bound to be a lot of confusion even if you have decided to continue as friends, as partners or you have walked out on him/her. Each case will have its own problems and of course, its own solutions. Here are a few tips that will help you through these phases.
If you have decided to stay friends, you should
- Stick to it
- No sex
- No accepting expensive gifts
- Do not visit each other
This is very important. Keep the conversation casual. Do not go back and forth between relationship statuses, do not flirt. First, talk about general things and then, slowly come around talking about whatever is going on in your life. It might take you a while to get to normal but once you settle in, things will smoothen out.
Of course, when it is long distance, you can’t have sex anyway. Sex obviously means sending dirty pictures or cam sex but well, let’s face it, you don’t have sex with your friends unless you have some spoken or unspoken friends with benefits kind of arrangement. Hence, don’t give sex so casually, you will end up being taken for granted. Of course, if you want to do it and you are unstoppable, what can anyone do about it then?
It is a fact that the gifts that your boyfriend sends you and the gifts that you receive from your friends are far apart from each other. Hence, do not accept expensive gifts from your ex if you have lain down the just friends rule. If you cannot give it back immediately, tell them that you intend to give it back to them as and when possible.
This is a definite. If you are visiting each other from 7 seas apart, then stop hanging on to the just friends tag. You don’t go so far for friends. It is important that you know where you stand as partners or as friends. Thus, as tempting as it may be, don’t go to visit your long distance ex. After all, who goes to visit their ex from a long distance relationship?
Now, that was about being friends but what if you decide to run a second innings of your relationship? Do you think you could survive that or you think you have made a mistake? Here are a few tips that will help you battle this one out –
If you have decided to stay in a relationship, you should
- Stick to it
- Not have casual sex with other people
- Flirt casually
Yes, the number one rule to all cases is the same. You absolutely have to stick to your decision. Given that it is a long distance relationship and there is no dearth of young people around you who may be interested in you, it might be hard to stay loyal but if you have decided upon something; do it with complete honesty and if you can’t, you really don’t deserve to be a part of the relationship.
Now, it is natural to be frustrated when you are far apart from your bf or gf but what can you do about it? You can indulge as much as technology allows but you can’t go further than that. Obviously, you want more and you have to wait until you can see your partner. Now, if you have committed yourself to a relationship, don’t give in to temptation. It is not going to take you anywhere and it might totally ruin your so very hopeful second innings with the man/woman you love.
A teeny bit of flirting with your partner or with others is extremely healthy. It not only keeps you happy but also makes you feel perky all the time. Thus, a little flirting here and there has never hurt anyone. Indulge as freely as you want into it.
Lastly and most importantly, if you have walked out on your ex, it will have its own complications as well. This is the most difficult scenario of the three and it will take the last bit of your strength to stick to it but you must. As in case of the other two, the first rule of this one is also to stick to it.
As break-ups go, you might feel like texting him or calling him time and again but well, you have to put your bravado facade up and avoid doing it all the time. Remember what Jesus said?
Do not give in to temptation and deliver us from evil.
Stay away from your ex bf/gf and stay happy, stay blessed!
Do everything you can to get away from him or her. Pick up new hobbies, take up a class, go on a holiday, go for a makeover, try out a change of scenario and sooner or later you might start to feel good. After all, long distance or not, no one can steal your life from you, it’s always your own to live and exploit to the fullest!
6 Steps Strategy When Reuniting With Your Ex
You did your soul searching, tried the ‘time apart’ thing, dated some other lackluster men/women….and have finally come to the realization that things ain’t gonna get any better than this. You made a huge mistake when you let her/him go. And now, you want him/her back.
It’s not necessarily too late to rekindle with your ex, but don’t be too rash and make mediocre moves. You want to do this right…and with caution. So again relationship expert is at your rescue!
So here are 5 steps you should try for Round Two.
Step 1: DON’T FOLLOW YOUR WISHFUL THINKING
Yes, you heard me right. Your instincts will tell you to call him/her right after the breakup, they will tell you to message him/her because apparently a nail cracking will also be a very big deal and it is important for your ex to know about it. Your Instincts will make you believe that he/she will call you and they will finally realize how miserable your life is without you. YOU NEED TO SHUT THOSE INSTINCTS OUT. These are probably the last things you need to do to get your love back.
Step 2: NO CONTACT
If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you would have known that there is a thing called no contact rule. Its simple and very effective. All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This Includes-
No “accidentally” bumping into them (you know what that means)
No online chatting/facebook messaging
No hanging out with common friends with the hope to meet him/her.
Why is there a need to do this?
your ex needs some time to cope up with the breakup and to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you. People feel that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget you, but in reality you will give them more time to miss you and make them wonder all the time why are you not contacting them. By contracting them, you will portray yourself as a needy one. That is not what we want right now.
You yourself need some space and time to get a hold on yourself. You need to gain some perspective. The truth is, you are a total mess after the breakup. You need to calm down and analyze you relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex again is within your interest or not.You need to learn to enjoy your life without your ex. You will event eventually realize that YOU DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy; may be you still want them, but there is a big difference between needing someone and wanting someone.
you must become an attractive happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reconsider your life. You want your ex to be attracted to you and the best way to do it is to start enjoying your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life. Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting you ex back or losing them forever!
However if your ex is currently calling you every day or texting you, then you should let them know that you need some time alone. Don’t give them any specifics.
What if my ex moves on during the no contact? What if my ex meets someone and gets married during no contact? What if my ex forgets about me during a no contact?
Good questions. But the answer is NO!!
Now you need to take a leap of faith here. If you and your ex were in any kind of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. Constantly texting and calling them like a creep will probably lead to a restraining order against you.
Step 3 – DON’T BEG.
Puppy face, constant begging, using pity has your hold, emotional blackmailing is not going to work here, so don’t even think about it. You don’t want to cling on them. You have to be independent and believe that you can live your life alone. Do you think they want to break up because they want you to beg them to take them back? Nobody wants a needy person, and even if you begging worked, its going to lead to a relationship where you will end up being a doormat. Accepting everything and throwing your self-worth away in a trashcan, you agree with everything your ex wants without even considering your happiness.
Step 4- CHECK LIST.
Being friends with your ex shows you two are mature enough to get over the fact that you weren’t meant to be together.
Before you contact your ex, here is a checklist of things you need to make sure you’ve done.
- You followed the no contact rule for atleast a month.
- You are no longer a mess as you were right after the break up.
- You have gone on at least one date during this no contact period.
- You have made some positive changes in your life.
- You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision.
- You have accepted the break up and you are OK with the fact that you may never get your ex back and this might never work for you.
- You are absolutely fine if things don’t turn out to be in your side and there are plenty of opportunities out there, and really, its not the end of the world!
Step 5- RE-ATTRACTION.
Moments of kindness and reconciliation are worth having, even if the parting has to come sooner or later.
– Alicia Munroe
There are two ways you can contact your ex- 1.letter 2. Texting
A hand written letter is a great way to convey you feelings, right after you are done with the no contact rule. and of course a hand written letter means an e-mail. It should serve three purposes-
- To let your ex know that you have accepted the breakup and you are no longer that needy person
- To apologize for any of the inappropriate behavior after the breakup.
- To let them know of anything exciting happening in your life. Don’t give up the fun and spill the beans. Keep an element of surprise so that you can give them a chance to reply back to you.
The Text Message
Text messages are a great way of re-building the attraction with your ex. They are short and precise and you can be sure that they will read your message. It doesn’t matter where they are, your text will reach them and they will be excited to get a text from you.
Rules- Never send an empty message where you don’t give your ex a chance to text you back.
Never talk about your feelings of loneliness and getting back together.
Here is the example of what you might actually text –
“Hey, I was watching this random movie and it reminded me of you. It actually bought a smile on my faceJ)”
“Hey, I was just thinking about the time we went in Goa. It was amazing. I am glad we planned it.”
Something like this. It should be subtle. Positive. Fun.
Step 6- ASK HIM/HER OUT?
If there is to be reconciliation, first there must be truth.
– Timothy B. Tyson
DO NOT CALL IT A DATE. If you do, your ex will put up their defenses faster than anything in the world. You want them to go out with you as a friend and then you can woo them while you are with them.
If you have done your homework correctly, you will be oozing out confidence and attractiveness out of every inch of your body. And this works effectively on your ex because they already know you once, now they know the confident and attractive women/men within you.
You might as well end up being together, of course not on the first go, but eventually.