“I think you still love me, but we can’t escape the fact that I’m not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I’m not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I’m not angry, either. I should be, but I’m not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong.”
― Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun
― Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun
In all the ups and downs of every romantic relationships, some relationships face the ugliest turmoil of infidelity. Cheating on your partner or spouse is the worst emotional hurt one can possible incur on his/her partner. This act isn’t always voluntary though and arise as a result of certain situations between the couple. In such cases, mostly the relationships end with breakup and shame, though in some cases, couple do try to overcome its disastrous consequences and come back together. Unlike our previous subjects of relationships mending and coming together of two people in love, this one is going to be all about the biggest devil of shattering relationships, infidelity.
What Leads To Infidelity?
Whether you are a man or a woman, a number of daily happenings or situations can lead to deception. Following scenarios are for your consideration-
- We might well be in the 21st century, but the fact that remains unchanged naturally is that man and woman cannot be just friends if despite, they are on a regular communication through chats or phone calls, they discuss everything about themselves with each other, they seek each other’s support when emotionally downtrodden. Such a situation sounds really acceptable and romantic if the two people of opposite sex are single, but if a man and a woman tend to develop such a relation with each other outside marriage, it turns out to be more than just friendship and eventually leads to illegitimatephysicalintimacy.
- Being curious is fair enough, but being curious to discover the joy in dating sites or dating men/women outside marriage is something more than just a discovery. You wouldn’t even know it and you would find yourself in the depths of adultery.
- Flirting sounds pleasurable and interesting and has the enjoyment of itself for many. But when simple flirting turns into friendship and then to see each other frequently or daily becomes a habit, it leads to a man/woman crossing the marital bounds for unacceptable carnal pleasures.
- It is natural to seek a shoulder to cry on when you feel emotionally weak out of the situations in your marriage. But when this becomes a usual practice, there are people out there who try to use your emotional situation to satisfy their needs.
- You might not have cheated as yet on your mate, but are you sure if the friend you are hanging out with is not cheating on his/her mate? He/she might be sexually frustrated or even looking out for a shoulder himself/herself! Also, how long do you think you are going to stay the ‘good loyal wife/husband/partner’ after staying associated with such friends? Worth thinking!
- If you are fond of drinking out with friends, beware of the drugs or drinks overindulgence, as this might lead to an involuntary and out of your sense intimacy with some companion of opposite sex.
- Sex and intimacy is something that needs to be discussed or enjoyed with the one you are committed to. A casual teasing or friendly talk with a friend of opposite sex which eventually turns into regular talks and an increased emotional intimacy might at some point make you feel open and comfortable with him/her to talk about sex. Talks would gradually lead to you being physically intimate with him/her and you betraying your spouse.
- When you are aware of a friend of opposite sex staying alone in his/her apartment, avoid dropping in alone. This is an advice to save you from unknowingly or randomly stepping into some compromising situation with him/her.
Infidelity is most of the time unintended and spontaneous leaving you shocked. But human brain is meant for analysing everything beforehand and sex outside marriage is always accompanied with a self urge and if one says it happened in a reflex, it is called a sheer stupidity.
How To Know If Your Partner Is Cheating On You
In most of the marriages or committed relationships which end randomly with one of the spouse betraying the other, the entire truth of the deception comes into light only after months. If you fear being in one such situations, then look for the following signs which are indicative of the fact that your spouse or partner is perhaps cheating on you:
- He/she now is very particular about his/her physical appearance which involves a new hair style, renewed dressing sense and other such lifestyle variations.
- Some weird but promising signs include, your partner changing the eating habits like going from vegetarian – non-vegetarian and vice versa, increased self grooming activities like weight watch, impressive and varied perfume fragrances etc.
- He/she is never home on time these days and there is a sudden change in his/her work schedule, he/she has now started making frequent excuses for his/her absence from dates or gatherings etc.
- Watch out if he/she has been indulging too much in internet activities like chatting on computer or phone. In such cases you would find the history of the sites accessed or the call logs cleared every now and then from being discovered.
- He/she is barely interested in any physical intimacy with you and doesn’t care about your sexual wishes and wants from him/her, it’s time to start noticing where he/she is going astray. In some cases you might find your partner getting overtly interested in making love to you or in praising you, which is probably cropping out of the guilt of being involved outside marriage.
These signs might not be always right but isn’t it always good to learn about the disastrous situations before they hit you hard?
“Someone told me the delightful story of the crusader who put a chastity belt on his wife and gave the key to his best friend for safekeeping, in case of his death. He had ridden only a few miles away when his friend, riding hard, caught up with him, saying ‘You gave me the wrong key!”
― Anaïs Nin
― Anaïs Nin
How To Overcome The Situation Of Infidelity In Your Marriage
Infidelity is the worst a romantic relationship can suffer from. Most likely such situations end in breakup but in some cases when the two people in relationship are truly meaning to be together even after one’s betrayal which is followed by a tough emotional struggle on both part, especially the sufferer’s. Following are some ways of dealing with such a development and hence the life beyond deception:
- First and foremost, when you are the victim of betrayal from your better half, it is entirely up to you whether you would prefer going ahead in the same relationship by overcoming the past or you would rather like to move on by moving out of your current relationship.
- If you are the one who has betrayed him/her, there are three things you might want to contemplate-
- To accept that crossing the marital bounds was the worst thing to do
- To decide whether or not to tell him/her about your deeds
- To refrain from revealing anything to him/her and resolve to lead a clean and loyal life with him/her.
- Infidelity leaves the sufferer crippled emotionally and mentally and they often end up questioning their own loyalty to the person they had betrayed. If as a sufferer you wish to stay in the marriage, it is important that you let your lost faith and trust develop with time.
- Whether you are the victim or the culprit, the road to mending is bound to be full of ups and down, it thus calls for heaps of patience and a wish to carry on in the relationship.
- It is important for the culprit to realise that what has been committed needs time to be digested by the victim.
- A good romantic or committedrelationship is built on the foundation of trust and love. Any one of these lost would destroy the relationship.
Be fair with your spouse in all terms. If you have been witnessing frequent hurtful acts from him/her, don’t go astray for comfort outside the marital bounds. Try to sort out the issues within your relationship as much as possible. Quitting is the solution only to extreme situations and not all situations are extreme!
What happens when your other half betrays you in the worst way?
Betrayal was what I felt, my heart broken not just by a guy I was in love with, but also by, as I once believed, a true friend.
– Danka. V
Sometimes our lives feel more like a bad melodrama than reality. Feels like everything around us is in on a secret and after some time, everything is just going to shatter and feel like a dream. Infidelity can be emotional as well as physical. No one can decide which type of cheating is worse, even if both are wrong. For most of us, we can’t imagine what a cheater’s logic is like. Some cheat and feel guilty which leads them to confess; some do it and justify it by pointing fingers to avoid that guilt, some just cheat and keep feeling guilt but do not have the gut to confess. While both parties are at wrong, but there is a difference between concealing that the cheating happened and the one who came clean about it.
Many people cheat and feel the need to make excuse to hide it to “protect” the other. However, the only thing such people are protecting is themselves for not have the guts to confess the truth. Every person has a right know that they are being cheated on, so that they can take care of themselves and their feelings then make a decision of whether they can trust again or if they want to move on.
Almost anyone who ever has been through any emotional upheaval can attest to the fact that, a friendly shoulder at this time is all you need. Except what if the person you count the most after you other half – your best friend was the reason for your breakup. Yes, it sounds like a plotline of a rather banal romance novel, but you will be surprised at how many times such a thing happens in reality as well. This type of experience is the type you would pray no one would have to go through. Especially because it’s a double edged betrayal that has the ability to forever break the person.
Your friend confesses that he/she cheated with your partner
Love is whatever you can still betray. Betrayal can only happen if you love.
-John Le Carre
This is probably worse coming from a friend rather than if you’re other half had been the one confessing. In this case, it might be a surprise for you or you might have been suspicious before but that doesn’t lessen the pain. Every relationship, every friendship is different and as per that every affair is also different.
When a friend confesses after one time thing, it is obvious that your friend values your friendship more than your partner values your relationship (i.e if she is sincerely confessing and not gloating). Of course your first reaction might be to throw a punch or bitch slap, just to let out the aggression, it is perfectly normal. Now many of you probably, will show that friend the door and chase your partner for some bow-pow time, take a moment to realize what your friend just confessed. Of course at first it maybe too painful to acknowledge, but it did happen.
Get to the bottom of it
It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.
– William Blake
What? When? Why? These might seem trivial at the time but if the wound is not properly treated, it will fester and grow. Every friendship is different; therefore all reactions may not be the same. Is he/she is genuinely interested with your partner? Was it because they were jealous? Or was it a onetime drunken mistake? It will hurt to hear but cannot gain closure without listening to the reasons.
Trust is broken
The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies
The trust you had in your friend is broken and no matter what it will never be the same between you two, you have to accept that. This is probably one of the most difficult decisions of your life but it will between keeping that person in your life or not. Even if you keep that friend in your life, you will always be wary of her/him. In most cases it is better to let such a person go and distance yourself with them.
If your partner confesses to you
A friend confessing and your bf/gf confessing are two different things. Obviously for each case, it is different. If the bf/gf is just a new development of relationship, you need to cut your ties as soon as you can. In fact in such cases, you might even forgive the friend after a while. It depends upon how much you like this person, if this has happened at such a time which is supposed to be “the blissful period” of relationship is it really going to mature into a beautiful one, our guess is probably not.
This might be cry for help
Depending upon how your relationship is and how the gf/bf normally is, this might actually be a cry for help. Of course, it doesn’t make the fact that it was with your best friend of all people any less true. Depression and certain needs can often lead a person to cheat. If your partner just confessed after a one time fling, he might actually have some kind of respect for you, to let you know and might be actually willing to work on the relationship. It’s of course your decision to make, but keep in mind that he or she might need your help to lay down the law and help to build a better relationship.
It was just physical
This is the excuse many cheaters like to give, “it was not emotional, it was a drunken mistake, or it was in a different country and I was missing you”. Do not put up with these excuses. A confession in contrast to these might be better. All the more it was with someone whom you dearly trusted as a friend. In such cases it is better to kick them both to the curb.
In such cases too, you need to get to the bottom of why your partner might do something like this. If they are not silly excuses like the above, you may even try to listen to them. If your relationship was deep enough, how could they betray you in a way that has left you with neither the partner nor the friend, who was to be your safe harbor at such times?
Is splitting after Confession always the right path?
Love is understood, in a historical way, as one of the great human vocations – but its counterspell has always been infidelity. This terrible, terrible betrayal that can tear apart not only another person, not only oneself, but whole families
– Junot Diaz
When comes down to it, it all depends if you can trust a partner after a slip up like that. If you have children together, this might be worse because they have not ruined your life but your children’s as well. In many cases, you find children suffer due to traumatic experiences of seeing their parent’s love life. Most people would hesitate to confess, if they have children and at times, it might be better to carry the burden of the mess with just the two of you rather than bringing children in the mess.
Of course, if it’s a onetime deal, you may forgive for children’s sake but don’t let him/her mistake that they can trample on you. Law down the rules and keep a tight leash, you have all the reasons to question them and don’t let them forget it. Keep a reminder that whatever you both do is the matter between the husband and the wife and not between children and parents. Fighting in front of the kids is absolutely abhorrent even if you are not the cheater.
Your Partner and friend are genuinely in love with each other
This may come as a shock to you, and this might be the worst case scenario for you, but if they really like each other, this might actually be better than them just having a fling. It may look impossible to you at that point but if they are in a serious relationship, this might mean that they are not “just bad people”. It might be heartbreaking to acknowledge, but if they are responsible enough to confess together, there still might be hope for you to remain as friends….after a while of course.
Just like Ted Mosby would say “it was a romance story, just that it wasn’t mine.” Acknowledge and move on.