Unspoken rules about Love
“This is a relationship, anything you say can and will be used against you”
Love is a complicated matter and that is a universal truth. But hey, let the relationship expert sort it out for you! No matter where you are from, what you do or who you are the dating, relationship (starting or keeping them) is a complex world where there are so many weird and unspoken rules that sometimes make no practical sense. Some might say it is because it is an evolutionary trait difference between a male and female that makes relationships as hard as they are. Yet, if we have learned something from watching ‘Modern Family’s’ cutest couple Cam and Mitch, it is not so at all. So, what is it that makes relationship so difficult to manage yet somewhat sad when you are not in it?
Most men like to think, they can live happily, live single all their lives, yet, we don’t see a lot of happy single men, do we? And no, not even a rich and good-looking man can live forever without a relationship, being a human being, every one of us craves an emotional support at some point.
Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus
If the book is to be believed, the difference between what a man expects and does according to rules is most of time different from what a woman wants. The popular example of “Mr. Fix it” does really help to understand the dynamics of a relationship and what goes wrong. When a woman complaints, mostly she wants a patient ear to listen to her troubles and let her vent, but when a man hears a problem that needs to solved, he puts on his “Mr. fix it” hat and offers solutions. Both genders are not wrong in their actions but get confused at their partner’s reaction because it is not what they expect.
Yet, is this really what the problem is? Are woman and men just biologically programmed to be opposites in a relationship? So, how can they work when you are constantly thinking about what your reaction is and what your reaction should be? Although one can strongly argue that the difference are not biology rather than personality.
The initial stage of the relationship
This is what is called “the honeymoon phase”, and if you think you will be blissed out just as much some years later, then you are in for a horrible surprise. This is something much known, not exactly unspoken, but wait a second! When you are in a relationship both the sides will put their best foot forward, and most likely be trying to impress each other. The unspoken thing here will be the traits that the other will find annoying yet will be ready to brush aside and seemingly be ready to tolerate it. Most say that annoying traits don’t register when the honeymoon phase is still on or they look cute initially. However, the truth is that you will be constantly making those mistakes without even knowing them.
For an example, backgrounds matter more than you think so. Even if you are the most open minded person on the planet, the history of a person matters with how they react to certain circumstances. If a person who has grown up in a family where expressing feelings was not common, a person from an outgoing family background will surely find it strange. The person who doesn’t show much emotion will not make things clear until one fine morning the bubble will burst and the volcano contained inside will bubble up in hurtful ways. Speaking about expressing, communicating in a relationship does have its share of unspoken rules.
Communicating matters, of course, but it is surprising that many important things are left unsaid and yet, trivial things are spoken about. There are some lucky couples who can understand each other just fine, without the need of talking, however, for the rest of us mere mortals, things need to spelled and in worst conditions spelled out too, ha!
Every couple argues, over petty things and over big things. Unfortunately, there are many things that happen during an argument that can blow up your relationship rather than patching it up. You might make up afterwards but sometimes, the things said can keep nagging the other one. Most of these are obvious like – ignoring your partner, raising their hand, hurling abuses, talking about unrelated matters that are not related to the present argument. When you argue, it should be about a matter that is consequential. They deserve to know your answer, so the silent treatment that most women prefer is not actually preferable, even if it is not your mistake.
Patronizingly talking to our partner is also another thing that does more damage than one might imagine. Your body language, rolling eyes, inattention will just make it worse and worse. Avoiding a conflict, oddly can also blow up in your face, if feeling are kept bottled up.
Every relationship needs equal dominance and unfortunately, we rarely see such a couple. Like Ted Mosby says “every relationship has a settler and reacher”. There is one that settles who they deem to be of lower in beauty, wealth, intellect or status” and reacher who reaches out for someone better than themselves. Such relationships usually are headed to crash spectacularly. It is likely that a person who thinks he has ‘settled’ will reach for some whohe/she thinks is better suited and the reacher will constantly question the significant other’s loyalty to them.
The cold hard truth is that most settlers tend to get away with things that they themselves would not tolerate in others. That is why you see tall, beautiful yet horrible women capturing attention of several men and asshole or narcissistic men have women falling all over them; if he is good looking or wealthy.
Everyone plays games while dating and it is a fact. We may say that people who play and don’t show their true selves are conniving, however, rarely do people act like themselves on dates. Everyone has a card up their sleeves that they are not willing to show and that is fine because you can be honest without telling your life story.
Primarily, this unsaid thing needs to be spoken about – it is okay to facebook stalk a person if you have just started dating them, because honestly everyone does it. However, don’t leave a post on their wall before you have known them for some while.
General conversation while dating
General stuff that is unsaid and yet, a very obvious type of convo you need to avoid in the initial stages of dating is talking about money matters. Also, be clear about when you can start calling them your boyfriend/girlfriend (having one date doesn’t mean that they are suddenly your significant other. If you are casually dating someone else, stop seeing them when you do have a conversation about being in a relationship. it is okay if you are dating multiple people only if you are clear about finding the ‘one’ and stopping when you do find him/her.
“The worst thing about texting is that once you send it, you can never get it back”
While you are dating it is crucial that you put away the phone and relax and enjoy the company of your date. The best advice on texting is that do it minimally at the initial stage of dating. This is not to look ‘cool’ but rather just not desperate or clingy.
First rule about texting your date – Do not write a storybook, just ask them about where and when they want to hang out (at least when you just have begun dating)
Moreover, don’t call unless the person texts back that you can i.e. take permission, check your autocorrect, no shouty capital letters (unless you are delivering an exciting news, no hash tags, and for the love of god, do not try out sarcastic humor while texting – this will end up giving the wrong message, phew! And above all, don’t drive and text (this is for your health rather than your relationship).
Success of many relationships boils down to luck
Many people might believe that they work hard to keep the relationship afloat while claiming to be responsible, attentive and other blah blahs. Statics might convey some things that scientifically seem right, but love and relationships are not rational, they are emotional. The most obvious thing about a relationship is not finding the perfect person but finding the right person.
Dating is like a puzzle; you never know what will fit in where and suddenly, you happen to find the perfect piece! Until then, keep looking!