When it comes to jealousy, you are in between a rock and a hard place. Even though jealousy in little amount can be healthy, in huge dosage, it can turn deadly. Here is how you can overcome it. Your relationship expert is here to tell you how to handle it.
There is no greater glory than love, nor any greater punishment than jealousy.
-Lope de Vega
Understanding and conquering jealousy
No one who has been in a relationship has been spared of this emotion, in fact, not even the ones who have never been relationship. Jealousy is a strange emotion; it has the power to spice up and add zest to a relationship and destroy a perfectly good one. However, you maybe be surprised that how much of jealousy is not because of the partner but about one self. Of course if your partner is purposely trying to get you jealous in a blatant manner, then that’s a whole new problem. Jealousy can be hurtful, especially when it’s a long distance relationship.
You can be the moon and still be jealous of the stars.
– Gary Allen
What does jealousy mean and what does it root from?
Everyone one deals with jealous emotion, even the ones who have very high self-esteem. However, it is fatal to an insecure person. Sometimes, it feels great when your partner is little protective of you and is jealous because he/she is scared of losing you, that means they love, right? Well, sometimes jealousy doesn’t stem from just loving a person; it can originate from obsession and most of all insecurity, both harmful in their own manner. Jealousy is described as “an emotion which typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something of great personal value, particularly in reference to a human connection”.
Jealousy roots from insecurity and can be a lot of times, confused with envy. One can feel jealous if a co-worker got a promotion or a new car, that jealousy however is more accurately described as envy. When you covet what others have its more due to your own sense of inferiority, it more about what you measure yourself as compared to others. Jealousy is much more of a complex emotion; it can be due to insecurity, loss of self-respect, resentment, anger, disgust (sometimes for you self), it is a whole whirlpool of emotions.
Jealousy in Males and females
There is no data on whether jealousy is found more in women or men, both suffer from it. Especially when it comes to romantic relationships, no one is guilt free. However there is a variation of feeling jealousy over emotional infidelity or sexual infidelity. Due to variety of social and cultural expectations there is a distinct variety between men and women who feels jealous over specific causes. Much research and fieldwork is been done to uncover the emotion of jealousy, however as the feeling is not expressed in the same way by everyone, makes it difficult to reach any scientific conclusions. However many studies do suggest that emotional jealousy is found more in females than males.
I rather see you dead little girl, than be with another man. You better keep your head little girl or you won’t know where I am
Sometimes we can feel jealous even when the person is not your partner. Unrequited love is the most common reason to get jealous. However, unreasonable it might be, we can help but feel resentment when your ‘crush’ is hanging out with someone else. Another type of jealousy is when you are broken up with someone and yet can’t seem to let go the jealous freak inside of you that will continue to obsess. That is what makes you the most dangerous and feared kind of ex – “the crazy jealous ex”, who stalks and makes shrines of their former lovers (just kidding). But more than that, many relationships are destroyed due another kind of undue jealousy.
This kind of jealousy is when you see your partner harmlessly talking to someone else at a distance and all that you can think of is “she / he is having an affair”. Some women find it endearing and a little cute when their man gets jealous. Only when they discover, that they are this close to getting micro chipped in the tooth, what with the constant satellite like hovering, do they run for the hills. A woman in jealousy can be just as violent and scary though, if you have read any of those Japanese manga and seen some terrible anime, you know that jealousy can get you killed. In such cases, obviously the problem lies in you more than your partner.
If your partner has a history of cheating or if he/she deliberately seeks out to make you jealous it is reasonable for you to get jealous. If you want to get serious in a relationship, this has to stop. Many men and women deliberately ‘play games’ to seek their partners attention, which is a childish and most of all disrespectful for the partner. Jealous is never pleasant and a person making conscious effort to make their partner jealous, shows that they are not emotional mature to care for a relationship.
If the jealousy is due to your partners past, you need to decide to trust that someone to care for your heart or not. If there is no trust, you need to build it or give that someone a chance to build it, only then will it be anywhere near successful.
How do you overcome your jealous feelings?
You caught your partner looking at some else too long, they talk about a work colleague in excitement, he/she is staring at your best friend for too long, having conversation with too little distance in between, chatting with a stranger…the list goes on and on. It is seems reasonable in your mind, but believe us when we say it, it’s all in your head. If you trust in your partner and they have not given you any ammo to behave like this, it is not fair for them or you to bear your craziness. It is your sickening combination of possessiveness, suspicion, anger and humiliation that keeps you second guessing the partner.
As Shakespeare termed it, “the green eyed monster” will make a home in your head and keep your imagination at an all-time high with negative make believe things about what your partner is doing. Your partner could be held at a gunpoint for all you know, but you will imagine him/her to be cheating on you with his ex.
At such moment take a deep breath and follow certain tips that will get rid of the undue jealousy –
- Have trust in your partner
Trust is the key to almost everything in a relationship. Believe what your partner tells you that they are let for a genuine cause (this only applies if you truly know them to be faithful). Don’t let gossip shake the trust you have in your partner. If you don’t trust them and keep questioning, eventually they are going to be tired of your suspicion.
- Don’t compare yourself with others
So your husband/wife works with a very attractive person from an opposite gender, who is smart, kind and earns more. So what? What you are seeing is one side of the person and in your jealous filled mind which is bursting with insecurity you think that person is after your partner. In many cases, people tend to get clingy or frustrating abrasive or distant (to protect oneself).
How do you deal with jealous partner?
Your partner calls you every half hour to check on you, they read your messages, forbid you to meet anyone from past or the opposite gender. Yes, you are dealing with a jealous bf/gf. At first you may find it cute and attractive too, and it can add a little spice in a relationship, if it’s just a backhanded comment or something. But if it goes overboard, where you feel suffocated due to the all-encompassing ‘love’ of your partner, it is time to have a talk.
- Communicate your feelings with a talk
Talk it out and you might discover some unexpected things. Maybe your partner’s history is the root cause. Establish that what they did is not right and you have the freedom to do whatever you want. Don’t tell them to ‘deal with it’ but rather help them out by helping them getting over their insecurity and assurance.
Libra and Capricorn are both Cardinal Signs Both Signs are initiators, but they have such broadly shifting hard working attitudes that they work better when they each have specific, very much characterized part. When it comes to conflict, Libra will be the first to back up, which will assuage Capricorn (who preferences to be correct!). At the point when an earth sign like the Capricorn lady goes over the air sign of the Libra guy, they can either find discover weather or stormy skies. She is a pragmatist who couldn’t care about the better things in life, while he is all about beauty and charm.
Capricorns are sometimes sports and health nuts but they also workaholics. This is a careful zodiac sign, and it requires time to gain their trust. They are ambitious and do not have faith in taking any unnecessary risks. A Capricorn lover is never saved when communicating their love.
To a Capricorn’s brain, sexual life is extremely straightforward: you feel like it, you need it to happen, what’s there additional to talk about? Libra is more refined, savvier. The most serious issue is that Libra needs time with a partner, and Capricorn is a compulsive worker leaving the adoration match low as a need. Libra has confidence in appreciating life; Capricorn has faith in profession to satisfy it.
This will be troublesome for the two to succeed, in spite of the fact that he is constantly concerned with looking after equalization. On account of this, he will permit her to lead the pack so as to keep the peace. He offers friendly motions and arousing procedures; however she couldn’t think less about that. All she needs is the conventional physical joy and he’s keener on the mental pleasure in their sexual union. The Capricorn lady is continually climbing the professional bureaucracy and he would rather be out having some good times. She can come to doubt his friendly identity on the off chance that he doesn’t reduce his coquettish ways, and he may become exhausted with her every day routine of work, home.
If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.
– Emily Bronte
We have taught you how to get over a break-up before but let your relationship expert help you out with dealing with complete loss too. If you were in a happy relationship, this isn’t going to be easy; but try, you must!
How to rebuild yourself after the loss of that special someone
‘Life is full of possibilities, whereas death is so final’ said a wise author of a popular series, and whatever the context maybe, the universality of that truth shakes us to the very core due to realness that resonates with everyone. No matter rich or poor, everyone will suffer the same fate. Knowing this, we carry on with our lives, turning a blind spot towards the dark end that is at the end of each of our tunnels. In our own sense we busy ourselves with something to fill the void to never think of the subject, until one day it all crashes down. We are pulled from our deliberate ignorance and made to face the scary face of death. One of such life changing event other than escaping death, is the passing of that someone who was the other half of your life.
Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.
– Norman Cousins
Death of a loved one after long fight for life
The demise of a spouse is smoothing so devastating that it can scar for life, especially if it’s the demise of someone who you have been through thick and thin and been together since many years. When a loved one has developed a serious disease that there no hope of recovery is tragic. Even when there is no hope, there is still a flame of faith left for a miracle.
These wounds won’t seem to heal; this pain is just too real. There is just too much that time cannot erase
- Amy Lee
Taking care of a dying person is difficult and all the more heart breaking when it is your better half. At such times, one almost accepts that death is coming and prepares for that impact when their world would crumble around. However, hard you prepare, even an expected loss is difficult to get over, because for the most part when an individual has invested so much in one person, their death renders one unable to even consider meeting someone else, let alone consider getting in a relationship. After a long duration of your time, energy and emotion spent on that person, one is too exhausted to invest themselves in another one. The fear of what will happen keeps us from moving on.
Death of a loved one in an unexpected incident
Its things that you least expect, hits you the hardest
When death is expected, one has a time to prepare to get hurt and almost expect the grief of losing someone so dear to us. However nothing prepares people to deal with an unexpected blow of demise of your other half. When it sudden, it sounds so ridiculous that it seems unreal. One minute, you were talking with that very person, making jokes, having silly arguments…making decisions for the future.
The most painful goodbyes are never said, never explained
What hurts is that you had a future with this person. You had all your hopes and dreams pinned on this person, who now no longer exists. All of your plans were for “us” and what is remained is just “you”. Getting over the shock and accepting that a person is gone forever, is probably one of the most challenging thing for an individual to go through.
The stages of Loss and Grief
Greif is a natural response to loss and the more personal it is the harder it is for one to overcome. Loss of a parent, a child and your spouse are the three losses that hit the hardest. While, you have you’re a shoulder to support you in the death of a parent or a child, the death of your partner makes one feel alone in loss, therefore much harder. It must be noted that, not everyone expresses grief in a similar manner. As the grief is so personal, every individual has their own way to deal with it. That is the reason, why after the death of someone, there is no standard time where you get back to dating other people.
That is not to say that those who start dating quickly have gone through less than those who wait for years and still are unable to restart their life. There are much preconceived notions of how one deals with loss, one of the most common one is that
- The grief is less if one doesn’t cry after a loved one’s death–
This is not true. Crying to some people may be synonymous with sadness, but there are many who show their grief in a different way than crying. The after effect of the loss can be obvious in some and subtle in some.
- Ignoring pain makes it go away–
When that dear one is taken away from us, most people fear the pain that will come with it and ignore it in the comfort of numbness. However, the more you ignore the pain, the more it deepens and becomes a type of a tumor that just keeps on accumulating, only to hurt in the long run.
- There is a specific amount of time for getting over loss–
Like said before, grief is personal and differs from individual to individual. While someone may become increasingly dependent on someone, others tend to isolate.
According to the studies, there are five stages of loss and grief –
“The loss of a loved one turns our life upside down. Our world as we knew it has changed and those changes require that we in turn adjust to a new "normal."
The initial phase, when the wound is so fresh it is almost bewildering. When you lose someone who has spent most of their time with you, it is shocking that they will never be with you again. Denial and isolation is the first sign of pain and almost defense mechanism to save ourselves.
When eventually it wears out, there comes the reality of the situation. It so painful that a person reels with anger for anyone – it might be someone totally unknown, medical professional who was treating the loved one, inanimate objects, God and even yourself.
After blaming, you wonder what could have been. “What if I had done something sooner? What if I had been a better person for them?” these questions will take place in your head and your heart. They will haunt you with indefinite answers that will make you feel helpless.
There are two common types of how people deal with the trauma of death. Some get busy with practical implications of death for e.g. – like the burial, costs etc. The main emotions are regret and guilt of spending less time taking care of others. The more private depression is the quite personal one where we prepare ourselves to say goodbye to that loved one.
This is when one makes peace with the reality of a loss. However, not everyone reaches this state of mourning; many are left to fight a weary battle of depression for life after their better half is gone forever. This is a stage which is marked with calmness and withdrawal; there is peace but no happiness.
Moving on with your life
If I could have just one more day and wishes did come true, I’d spend every glorious moment, side by side with you….
– Kathy Parenteau
There’s no right amount of time, to move on with your life. Other might judge for moving too quickly and nag for moving on and get on with your life, but the truth is no one knows your condition other than you. Therefore the person you should be asking is your self – are you ready to care for another partner?
Don’t feel guilty for accepting another person in your life, because even if you move on with a new relationship, doesn’t mean that you are replacing the person you loved the most.
We have discussed breakups and moving on but as break up in a relationship is one of the most painful feelings. The whole world seems to have collapsed right in front of us. There are so many emotions running through in our mind. However, the emotion that prevails over all these emotions is the feeling of depression and being cheated. There is a surge in negative emotions straightaway. And if all this happens in public then the situation gets even worse.
When a break up is known publicly then everyone is talking about the break up and the rumours are being spread in the air. This ultimately increases the intensity of our feeling. A small question is likely to offend us and leave us in a void for a long time. However, prudence must prevail in such situation as the media and public is involved in such cases. The tough time is definitely going to pass but what should be remembered is that the harsh and tough comments made at this time are likely to cause more harm than the break up itself.
So, there are some things which must be kept in mind in order to avoid portraying a negative image of ours in the public. These things will also ensure that we get the most sought after relief after the disastrous experience of breaking up.
Embracing and Facing the Whole Situation: The first step in case of a break up is to face it. One must understand what has happened to him or her. Howsoever emotional the tie had been but rationale must prevail at the end of the day. Nothing is permanent and this thing should form the basic fundamental thought when one is experiencing the painful pangs of break up. One must show enough courage to face the whole situation bravely. For icons and public figures it becomes imperative to remain steely as they are likely to be put forth a lot of tricky questions which are going to check their emotional maturity. So, it is totally understood that pain is likely to be felt after the painful process of break up is experienced however prudence and discretion should always be the guiding force in such a critical situation.
Planning the Responses: The next important step is to plan in advance the responses that have to be given to the eager public. One must brace oneself for facing the hostile and tricky media and public whose main emotion might not be empathetic at all. They may be trying to know about the break up earnestly but there are more chances that they are on a lookout for a spicy story. So, one must plan the responses that one is likely to provide to the fervent public. There must be a through preparation on what questions can be asked and thus responses to those common questions must be prepared in advance.
No Overreacting: This is one of the prime things that have to be kept in mind especially when the public is involved. Some uneasy and uncomforting questions are likely to be asked which are going to prod and poke one’s personal life. The main motive of these questions is to lay bare the personal life of a person in order to amass more traffic to the story. Off course there is bound to be that spice element inclusion in such stories. However, it must be understood that one’s personal affair is just another story for the public and the media. They are trying hard to dig in you just to ensure that they get the best bite. However, one must not overreact to any question or queries.
Maintaining Composure: This is absolutely essential element when it comes to dealing with a break up. Composing oneself is one of the pivotal things that are required to brace everything with valour. One must now show the uneasiness and discomposure that one is feeling from within.
Simply put, one is likely to feel heartbroken and this condition can be equated with a broken mirror. However, the outside reaction should be of calmness and composure. No one should be able to dig deep and find out the most intimate and private emotions of a person. They are meant to be kept secret and private howsoever hard the grilling may come from the public.
Avoid Mud-slinging and abusing: The next important thing after the public break up is that one should avoid abusing the partner who has just left. Mud-slinging and abusing is just going to give one more trouble. It is like playing with the mud and expecting that we are going to remain clean. The answer is big no as one is going to experience the same reaction from the other side. This is going to aggravate and worsen the already precarious situation and there is no fun doing all this. Patch up is out of the equation anyway and this is surely not the way out to the situation one is stuck in.
Avoid clarifying or divulging any information: One cautious that one has to exercise is that one should keep away from divulging any facts, information, or snippets of one’s personal life and shared experience. This has never been a solution to anything. Revealing personal life is going to give more harm anyways. One should avoid clarifying anything as well. What has happened is a thing of the past. There is no need to clarify anything to anyone. One’s conscience must remain clear and that is the only thing one must focus upon.
Stay away from Social Media for a While: One must avoid sharing things and the most intimate and sad thoughts that are crossing the mind after the break up on facebook or other such social media websites. The whole scenario is going to change in the future however one is likely to be made scapegoat for the comments and status one updates at this time. Staying away from the social media for a while appears to be a better option as one may be tempted to vent out the pent up feelings on social networking sites. Exercising control over oneself in such a situation is challenging but essential. So, stay away from social media.
Live in Present- Let it Go: One must ensure that the residual emotions of the breakup are never allowed to sow the seeds of any emotional disturbance in a person. One must be flexible enough to let go what has happened. Without brooding about what happened, who was at fault, etc. one should live in the present. Thinking about the past and the relationship is going to give more pain. Above all there is no benefit out of it now. So, one must make a move and avoid thinking about the memories, etc. that one shared with the partner.
A famous quote by Guy Finley is worth mentioning in this situation, “Nothing in this universe can stop you from letting go and starting over.” Thus, a determined effort must be made in order to move out of this situation and start over again.
Stay Positive: One must learn to stay positive in all the adverse situation. In this situation too one must think about positive things and never feel depressed. Thinking about the loss and falling in despair are the indications of being overpowered by negative ideas.
One enlightening saying by Joseph Campbell is definitely going to inspire one as he says, “We must be willing to let go of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
So, we must be willing to embrace everything with positive thoughts and move ahead in anticipation of the good times in future.
Connect with your old Mate: This is the time one needs a healing touch from someone who knows him inside out. That someone special who is there for the sake of friendship and who is there with no ulterior motive in mind. Just pour your heart out, share all the things that are crossing your mind. You are going to get the best advice from your pal and he is sure to give you a new lease of life. So, connect to your old mates as soon as possible to face the whole situation strongly.
Connect with nature: This is high time that one snaps the links with media, social media, etc. and just comes in the lap of the nature. Nature has so much healing power that it is going to revitalise and rejuvenate one. All this experience is going to prove so beneficial for coping with stress and handling the break up in a positive way.
Venture into new endeavours: The whole world is there with a plethora of opportunities and challenges. One must gear up to launch oneself in new endeavours. One must never let his passion bogged down by the situation and keep on striving hard to try new and exciting things. One must locate his interest and start doing things which make one happy. These endeavours will divert the attention and focus of the individuals and they are likely to get immersed in the world of adventure and fun rather than brooding about the painful break up.
Is your partner too demanding?
As we discussed moving on or terminating a stressful relationship in our last article. How ever, sometimes terminating is not always an option. So for such scenarios lets talk about stress management in relationships. Different people have different opinions and it is very natural that a clash of ideas can be seen among the people who are involved in a relationship. However, the real problem starts when petty and insignificant issues are blown out of proportion and they start affecting the health. Stress in a relationship doesn’t augur well for the health and well being of an individual and is likely to have adverse detrimental affects both on the relationship and the health of the people involved in the relationship. So, it becomes absolutely essential to eliminate the causes of stress by proper identification. Simple steps can ensure that the relationship stress is managed properly.
Locating the Cause of Stress:
Prior to finding the solution or management of stress in a relationship the preliminary step is to locate the cause of the stress. Stress may be out of the following different causes:
Negative Assumption: This is the foremost cause of stress as the couple involved in the relationship tend to form negative assumption from their own side. The actual situation might be completely different. This is just the outcome of continuous negative thoughts building up in the mind of a person regarding the other person.
Constant Nagging: This is the perfect example of seemingly small and unimportant things growing in proportion. Without exaggerating it can be said that this is one of the main causes of stress among the couple. What starts as a petty thing ends up in heavy arguments against each other.
Ego Problem: Some individuals cannot live with others simply because of their ego. They are not able to bend or adjust and just try to exert their own individuality which makes the matter worst.
Communication Gap: Communication gap is also a major factor which may affect the relationship. Small errors in communication can cause stress among the individuals to such an extent that they are filled with negativity and disrespect for the other person
Busy Life: Spending little time with each other may also cause stress. This is because the person might lose trust or think that he is insignificant in the life of the person who keeps out most of the time and doesn’t come home regularly. This ultimately leads to harbouring of unconstructive thoughts.
What to do after realization?
Finding Solutions: This is the second step in the management of relationship stress which includes:
Confronting the Problem Rather than avoiding talking About it: This is the basic thing that one needs to understand in a relationship that nothing is achieved from evading the problem. If something is causing stress then it needs to be addressed as soon as possible. One should always be ready to
Face the situation
Talk about it
Find solutions in order to diffuse the problem
Stay Connected: This is one of the most natural solutions to managing stress. One gains more trust in the other by spending more time with each other and staying connected. This gives a better understanding of each other and goes a long way in ensuring that there is little scope for any miscommunication or false image portrayal.
Admitting Mistakes: It has been noticed in the clashes that occur that no one is ready to take admit the mistakes. Even if the person is wrong they never admit it. Such a thing gives rise to more clashes and more stress as the other person believes that he is being befooled. This leads to a feeling of being cheated and neglected as well as the other person is paying no heeds to the feelings of the person. If a person hurts other by his harsh words or actions then there is no harm in admitting the mistakes. A very small word called sorry has a great magnitude and means a lot when it comes to managing the relationships and avoiding stress. The person who apologizes feels so relaxed after admitting that he was at wrong. A whole load of weight seems to have been lifted off him in an instant.
Forgiveness: One of the most important qualities to possess is of forgiveness. “TO Forgive is Divine” is a commonly known phrase written by Alexander Pope. This phrase is relevant in today’s context as well. Humans are fallible and they are prone to makes mistakes. However, there should always be the quality of forgiveness in the other person so as to give the other person chances for improvement. Forgiving someone shows the noble side of a person. There is no doubt that that person might have suffered because of the wrong done to him, but the act of forgiving is dignified and gracious which ensures that all the stress is eliminated within a flash. The bitterness in the relationship vanishes straightaway as the person forgives and forgets and is all set to make a new beginning.
Making Conscious Efforts to Build Relation: The relationship building is a very challenging task if one the people involved in the relationship have varied opinions. The relationship stress is bound to occur in such a situation. However, both the persons who are involved in the relationship should make concerned efforts to build their relationship. In this regard they should do the following things:
Listening to the partner: The foremost thing in any relationship is to listen to what other person has to say. There should be no jumping to conclusions and negative assessments until one has listened to what the partner has to say. The partner should listen carefully to the person who is speaking in order to avoid any communication gap. This will eliminate stress as there will be no wrong interpretations in this.
Comforting the Partner: The next effort which can be done in building relationship is to comfort the partner. The partner should be made to realize that he/she is the most valuable and cherished person in the whole world. Even if there is any kind of negative image formation, etc. in the mind of the person he should be comforted by the other partner by ensuring him that everything is fine between them.
Providing Support: It is observed that the relationship don’t grow effectively and die out of the suffocation of stress because of the perceived lack of support for each other. The couple feels insecure while living with each other. They feel incapable of handling some situations, etc. All this causes stress to them as they start to garner wrong thoughts about the partner. In this situation if the partner is provided full support then there is very little scope of such insecurity to grow
Setting aside the Ego Factor: Ego is the worst evil one can be affected with. Living in a relationship entails understanding the other person as well. There can never be a one way communication. The other person has to be listened to. The ego of a person should never come in between the relationship. In this regards the person has to ensure that he/she sheds the false ego and understand the importance of the true relationship. This removal of ego factor will remove the stress considerably from a person’s life.
Being Pragmatic: One has to always act prudently. Some things are beyond anyone’s control so those things cannot be allowed to scale in proportion and affect the health by causing stress. So, one has to make determined efforts to just forget about those things which have no solution. This is called adapting to the situation.
Avoid being Biased: Sometimes a person just has a biased approach that comes with preconceived notions about the things. Such kind of biased attitude always causes obstacles in the smooth run of any relation is the major cause of any relationship stress. So, a person should realise that he is being biased and that it is the main cause of stress. After this has been understood there should be exemplary show of behaviour which is practical and unbiased.
Never Controlling the Other: This has been found out to be the one of the leading cause of stress among the couple. Most of the couple are seen trying to dominate the other. In the male dominated societies males are seen dominating the women instead of understanding or listening to them. This causes stress among the female partner as they believe that they are being remote-controlled by their partner. The situation and the scenario is fatal for the relationship overall. The male partner or the dominating partner has to understand that there is simply no benefit of being so imposing. Ultimately the relationship is run by mutual trust and faith. However, the dominating factor is the enemy of trust and faith both. The couple should give respect to each other’s ideas and should never ridicule others.
The Science of terminating a relationship
One of the most grief-stricken moments in one’s life is the time when one loses someone. What aggravates the situation is the fact that the person that has gone is actually alive and living his/her life normally. A person accepts the situation when someone departs after completing his worldly journey. However if someone who had promised to be on the side of a person through thick and thin decides to just move away then the moment that descends upon the person who is left in the lurch comes with utter despair and dejection. There is a greater probability that the person is going to lose his mind and nerves.
After Initial realization that you are still hung over the person
Pause for a While, Understand and assess what has happened
Something very big has happened. It definitely requires one to leave the normal routine one is having right now. There needs to be a pause, a gap, or a distance that has to be maintained from the normal working routine. This doesn’t mean getting aloof from everyone else. However, this does mean stopping for a while in order to assess what really has happened.
Take comfort in your friend’s companionship, the one who will always lend a caring shoulder and a listening ear: In everyone’s life there are people whom they cherish; the people who know them completely and who have been their best buddies. There surely is a person in everyone’s life who understands that person- his needs, requirements, behaviour, etc. Finding such right person at this time should be the top priority. The pause that one has taken should be utilized in finding out that right person. This person has an amazing capability of finding solutions to all the problems. This is because this person can only be instrumental in making you understand what really happened with you.
Just pour your heart out- React, Cry, Shout, Scream: The next thing to do after finding that person is to just share everything that affected you. You may cry on your best buddy’s shoulder or you just shout, scream or show your extreme reactions to what you have been affected with. This thing will ensure that there are no residual emotions left in you and that you are venting out any pent up emotions. Remember, it is a myth which describes crying with immaturity. Don’t try to act as so matured as to suffocate and stifle yourself with the thoughts of break up throughout your life.
There are some beautiful thoughts on crying which can assure you that you are a perfect human being who has emotions and feels hurt when someone betrays. Charles Dickens, one of the leading Victorian era novelists said,
“We need never be ashamed of our tears.”
Even the great Elizabethan dramatist Shakespeare has summarized the benefits of weeping by saying, “To weep is to make less the depth of grief.”
Recall and Analyze: One of the most contradictory statements of all times is the one which says that we need to ‘Forget the Past.’ The past cannot be forgotten unless its pain is gone. So, the painful experience should be recalled again in order to relive that and experience the pain with someone alongside you who really trusts and understands you. This is the analysis phase which lets you find out what might have gone wrong. It is pivotal to find out the reason as it will ensure that your future is without any leftover emotions of the past. One cannot just let go what has happened without contemplating about it as forgetting is not a simple exercise. It is a complex process which may affect the personality in a hidden way if the proper process of draining the thoughts out is not followed properly.
Never feel bad or guilty: The process of building up should start from a assurance that we are the best and that we might have committed some mistakes. But it’s absolutely fine to make some mistakes as humans are fallible. So, there is no need to feel repentant and guilty. Rather, one should always feel good about oneself. One should keep on boosting oneself with the positive thoughts of being the best. The self-confidence should never be lost under any circumstances.
Start Locating Interest: The next step to build your life from this point is to find your real interest. The importance of finding the real interest is that one is self-motivated all the time and does everything with a passion. This passion assures that we are occupied and heading in the right direction with all our energy channelized in a positive manner. So, finding the work which keeps one engrossed and occupied should be located. Such a work can be done for hours without having the feeling that the things are imposed upon us.
“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving”
This saying of Albert Einstein precisely outlines the meaning and purpose of life. One is sure to find a balance in life if one is moving continuously. So, your life should also see you working with full energy and enthusiasm. Take one step at a time and focus on that. There is no point taking undue worry in making a lot of calculations. Rather, regular work daily will ensure that gradually you are at the top of the things and that you are not subdued by the circumstances.
Take up Challenges: One should find the lost vigour and strength. The indomitability of the soul should never allow one to bow their head to the adverse circumstances. One of the thoughts here will beautifully summarise the situation,
You gain power, bravery and self-assurance by every understanding in which you actually prevent to look fear in the face.
Entertain Healthy Thoughts, Adopt Healthy Living:
Finally you can achieve the level Zen
Reading Motivational Books: After having made a move and a determination to build up the next step is to gain constructive thoughts. Such thoughts are ubiquitous in motivational books. These books are inspirational and guide one to take up the challenges in life. These books are the storehouse of knowledge. The stories of struggle of various people like Abraham Lincoln, Mahatma Gandhi, etc. can be really inspiring and touching. Such experiences are bound to elevate one from their present situation.
Exercise Daily: Exercising is the next major step which can ensure that we are on the right track. Getting fresh oxygen by talking a walk in the morning ensures that we are exposing the body to the right kind of environment for its growth. Moreover, the thoughts too tend to sublime after coming in contact with nature. So, getting enough and regular exercise ensures that the body is not under any stress or disease.
Do Yoga and Meditation: Doing yoga and meditation are the next building blocks in ensuring noble thoughts and ideas entering the mind. The mind feels so clean and focussed after Yoga. One seems to have found the real meaning of one’s life with meditation. There is no straying here and there. Rather, one is totally aimed and chasing their dream.
Eat a healthy diet: One should consume a healthy diet and maintain a strict routine in one’s life. Taking right amount of nutrients ensure that the body is able to fight any signs of stress, etc. This will also ensure that one doesn’t get affected with ill-effects of depression, etc. where one tends to eat more and do harm to body by indulging in bad practices of drinking excess of alcohol and other harmful substances. Eating fresh, green vegetables and chicken, etc. give the right kind of nutrients required for the body.
Plan regular outings: Planning an outing every now and then is very beneficial. One can take care of one’s mood by this. The fresh air, the enchanting beauty of the nature, the panoramic views from the mountains, the quaint and serene countryside, the tranquil mountains, the roaring of the sea, the beauty of the beach, all these natural sites are going to hypnotize people with their enchanting influence. So, regular outings should be made with family and friends.
“’We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.”
– Rick Warren
Your relationship expert has so far taught you to handle the present, it is now time to deal with the past! Are your past experiences affecting your present relationship? This is the question that makes you wonder, hmmm…has it? Put that in the context of love and, is your past affecting your relationship? To start with, we are not just talking about past relationships that seemed perfect in the beginning but were destroyed by one thing or another. This is about if an individual’s current relationship is affected by their relations with parents, friends, their parent’s marriage, and of course past relationships. For many of us it’s a clear matter- obviously our childhood and parents relationship do matter in how we perceive our relationships, but many believe that rather than affecting our relationship, past memories ( particularly traumatized ones) tell us what no to do. Moreover, many don’t realize that their past relationships could be hurting their current one.
Going through bad relationships is a part of your life and an experience that makes you realize mistakes so we can learn and grow. However, when that realization struck, is different for different people. While it might be simple to see for some, might be difficult to perceive for others. Most believe that the ones who are strong pull through a bad relationship quickly and survive while the weak ones get destroyed or rather ‘allow’ themselves to be destroyed. It’s the matter of fact for some people that some deliberately don’t learn from past and continue from one bad relationship to another. Many genuinely believe that there is something inherently addictive about such pain that makes an individual intentionally pursue it. While this is a point open for debate, we all have heard stories about tragic yester year heroines getting into bad relationship after another. They are frankly too many to count – Marilyn Monroe, Rita Hayworth etc. and almost all of these beauties had tragic past relationships with their partners, family and friends etc. So, of course we wonder why some would long for that kind of pain. So, is there a self-destructive trait among some that unconsciously make them go for the wrong one every time?
How can your childhood affect your relationship?
Just as mentioned above, the two American actresses in examples, Marilyn Monroe and most importantly Rita Hayworth are major cases of how a traumatic childhood can lead to bad relationships. In the case of Rita, it was her dad that exploited her, indirectly pushing her to get in a relationship with a 41 year car salesman, only while she was eighteen. Such incidents are unfortunately not uncommon. Childhood trauma does affect the way you perceive people and reach out for relationships that may or may be not for you.
The traumatized childhood is probably the most tragic of ways that affects relationships with not just your partner but everyone around you.
Fear of abandonment
“But like everything I have ever known, you will disappear one day and so I will spend whole life hiding my heart away”
People who have been left behind by their father or mother, have a fear of abandonment which leads to insecurity of not being ‘good enough’ to have a strong hold on people emotionally. Many of such people feel the need to cling on to their partners. Sometimes, they don’t think any relationship, even if it’s a significant one, wouldn’t last, so they are always on guard, mentally prepare to put a wall to shield them for the eventual break up. What many don’t realize that by metaphorically ‘hiding your heart away’ does more damage to their relationship.
“Momma never told me how to love, Daddy never told me how to feel”
Like the lyrics in Ashley Tisdale song suggest, distant parents can thoroughly affect the way you treat your spouse. People who have suffered from physically and emotionally unavailable moms and dads, or didn’t have anyone to care for them deeply or to have someone to dependent upon are many times “the lone wolf”. They can be too independent and fail to accept the love and care given to them (especially if the partner is clingy).
“Can’t you see, you smothering me, holding too tightly, afraid to lose control”
– Linkin Park (Numb)
People with too controlling parents, feel entitled to full freedom after they finally get out of house. They feel it stifling if a partner tells them what to do, even if the request is a modest one, they are less likely to compromise. On the other hand, some people who have been subjugated their whole life let other person walk all over them and feel the need to please people.
“Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, that’s all right, because I like the way it hurts”. “Just gonna stand there and hear me cry, that’s all right, because I love the way you lie.”
People with abusive childhood are most likely to mistrust anyone that they date. They fear letting their emotions show. If their parents were punitive, they feel as if even a little mistake deserves punishment.
“I’m tired of being what you want me to be, Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface”
– Linkin Park
People, who have always sought for their parent’s approval, relentlessly try to get better and better. Unfortunately, sometimes they expect their partners to be up to high standards that can damage a relationship.
“Even though I am the sacrifice, you won’t try for me not now”
People with slacking guardians, are usually one to pick up the pieces. This makes them independent, but also a little self-sacrificial, in a sense that they put others needs before their own and feel guilty if they do something for themselves.
How your parent’s marriages effect your relationship?
Just like childhood traits and memories can affect your love life, your parent’s marriage can also be a fitting example of how you are to perceive things in your love life. Divorce can affect a child heavily, and sometimes all throughout his/her life. Important things about relationships like trust, expectations, personality are developed at the tender age of childhood, a time when they look towards parents to set an example. Studies show that grown children of parents who have committed adultery are more likely to have an affair, as they have seen it in their own homes; they perceive it to be ‘normal’ thing. If the father is abusive and controlling of the mother, the child (particularly the son) is likely to behave in a same way. Of course, this is entirely subjective; many people have distrustful parents and yet go on to have an amazing love life. May be due to the lessons learnt from bad examples set by family members, who knows?
Effect of bad relationships on current relationship
Almost all of us go through bad break ups, heart aches, and painful memories and sometimes regret. The point of such painful memories is so you can learn from them, rise up and pull through.
Truthfully said, it is the ones who give more are likely to get hurt more. In contrast to what may appear as the ‘weaker’ one who falls in love unceremoniously without holding back, gets hurt when things go downhill. Wounds fresh in their minds, many go on to have relationships, where they are in full armor (emotionally), so as to not be disappointed again.
Bad relationships can also cause some to be fickle, if they have been cheated on previously. In such cases they do not invest themselves emotionally rather than choosing to be more physically involved so as to “correct” what they perceive as past ‘mistakes’. Bad relationships may also have an effect on how you perceive a potential date, unsurprisingly, regret in relationship can also factor into what you look for in potential boyfriend/girlfriend. If you have let go a “perfect” someone, chances are that you will comparing him/her to everyone you meet. Similarly, if you were in a bad relationship you will comparing for different reasons, here you will be setting standards to avoid a certain type of a date.
Bad relationships are the necessary stepping stones to learn from, of course to learn from them you need to acknowledge them and also realize what ‘you’ did wrong ( you can’t always be the victim in a relationship). By doing this you will find closure you need to heal and move on with your life.
We all have heard about the infamous “overly attached girlfriend” memes and videos. It has made us laugh and shake our head at the outlandish things the jokes suggested Only when you realize how the jokes apply in real life do we find ourselves astonished. Here is, how you can detect if you are clingy and how to straighten out those behavior patterns.
Signs That Detect a Clingy Relationship
“True love doesn’t being inseparable, it means being separated and nothing changes”
We have spoken about long distance relationships amongst other things. Let your relationship expert tell you this at the start itself, that everyone’s definition of what clingy implies mean different things for different people. Some people like a clingy relationship with their other half, some require their own space. It is when the two individuals from different clans intersect, that everything goes crazy. And by crazy we do mean ‘real crazy’, if you have read those confessions of the‘overly attached girlfriend/boyfriend forum’ you will know and you will shudder, unless you are into it. Such forums give you an idea that clingy gf/bf make the worst exes.
Trying to manage a clingy relationship, or, trying leaving one!
Now as mentioned being ‘clingy’ is different for everyone, that means the level of clinginess that annoys a person (and makes them run for the hills) is relevant to the individual (and his/her level of tolerance). Sometimes, there are honestly genuine gf/bf that is just searching for some level of true appreciation from their other half, who in turn is an asshole and claims that the other one is being ‘needy’. That being said there are (unfortunately) type of people who are seriously obsessed with their love interest and will go at crazy levels to see if their lovers are being faithful ( cue the horror/thriller music).
Now such clingy relationships don’t start that way, or you could have never gotten in the relationship in the first place. Some people realize (by themselves, by people telling them that or worst yet by their partner) that they have started becoming too needy.
How do you determine if you are being a clingy boyfriend/girlfriend?
“There is nothing sexier than a needy, clingy man” said no one ever. And that is the truth my friends, whether it is a girlfriend or a boyfriend, too much neediness hurts a relationship more than anyone can imagine, well other than the person you are clinging on to cause they already know. Now to self-evaluate on the clinginess meter you need to ask yourself some questions and acknowledge the truth. Some may excuse as it being nurturing, but if the signs are pointing at it might as well been written in fireworks across the clear night sky. So to start with –
Is the relationship too suffocating?
Now, we accept that no matter how many relationship articles, advices you read, the truth of the matter is always debatable. Nick and Lindsay from ‘Freaks and Geeks’ fame gives you a perfect example of a miss-matched relationship. What feels like a heartfelt gesture for a person might seem creepy to someone else. Believe it or not, writing poems for a person might overwhelm a person who is not yet at the place whereas the one may already be in love. This might cause problems in a relationship that already at a rocky start.
If your partner is already suffering from emotional suffocation, that means when one’s idea of relationship is spending the time with you loved one every moment of your life, while the same idea may not be appealing to the partner who needs his/her own space. If this is a situation you have found in your relationship, you can tell by your partners’ behavior if your clinginess is damaging your relationship.
Is he/she becoming withdrawn?
You are bound to realize at some point that your partner doesn’t share with as often they used too. Don’t confuse it with being a normal effect after some time into a relationship. Being clingy and putting an effort in relationship are two distinct things. Therefore, you need to figure out, are you being clingy or is your partner not giving enough attention to the relationship that is needed.
You don’t have much fun as you once did
Now, by saying fun, we are not necessarily implying that you be going to concerts, movies and romantic dates all the time. Just spending good old time together doing just simple routine things can be enjoyable with your gf/bf. If your partner feels as if they are being smothered, they will cling to whichever way to get away from your “we” time. They will make deliberate attempts to keep you out of their plans or avoid texting you back.
You may be pushing them by pulling too hard
Speaking about spending quality time, it is important to note that ‘quality time’ is about, well, about quality and not quantity. If one insists on being with the other half 24/7, the sweetness of coming back to your partner after separation is ruined. The time spend for the two, to connect conversationally, physical and spiritually is already being damaged by you constantly texting and breathing down his, her neck.
You have become a GPS tracker
This is most visible point to notice that you have become too needy. Constant texts – where are you? What are you doing? Who are you with? When are you leaving? ; Will drive even a tolerant person insane. Just sending a text or two is just fine, constantly hovering is a sign that – a) you don’t trust your partner or b) you are insecure. Many girlfriends/boyfriends tend to get into their other halves business even if they are not physically with them. Many of them do it in the fear of being ignored or being cheated on, but if you are constantly at their backs through social media, texting or calling – the neediness will get to them eventually.
So if all the signs point to the yes sign, then clearly you gotta problem. So, how do you stop being too clingy and find a way to being some fresh air in a relationship? If you feel that you are being sensitive and insecure in a relationship, here are a few ways you can discover yourself again through some simple steps.
Idle minds are devil’s workshop, which means if you are not busy you will keep thinking about what your partner is doing, whether he is meeting up with his ex, is he plotting the next the world war? All sorts of crazy ideas will form (depending on how imaginative you are). With a busy schedule of working towards your ambition and spending quality time with your friends and family, you will be crazy busy. Plus you may even find out how much you were ignoring them in the bid to ‘keep up’ in your relationship.
Being alone is not synonyms with being lonely
Speaking about connecting with your friends and family, you may realize that while you were miserable being concerned with little issues about your gf/bf, being with friends will take away all your worries. Even when you are alone, you will find engaged in activities instead of feeling lonely.
Remember that you are worth it
Although it is evident, people sometimes are too harsh on themselves and tend to get insecure when it comes to a relationship. This is a tip that both – the clinger and the one ‘cling-ed’ on to must understand, that most of the neediness comes from self-doubt. While this can be a problem for the other, if you genuinely love the other – appreciate them more often and remind them that they are lovable (or you wouldn’t have dated them in the first place). However, remember that they can’t be the only one making the effort; you need to get over these self-esteem issues and remember that you ‘are’ good enough.
Is your neediness affecting your self-esteem?
Ask yourself this question. Even if your partner doesn’t mind the neediness, it is important to ask this question to find if your dependent nature is not hurting your relationship but is it damaging you? Some might find that in comparison to before and after starting a relationship that they have changed so much, that it will affect their self-esteem and make them feel weak.
“I am sorry, I am not clingy and attached. I have this rare disorder called self-esteem and the side effects are not giving a damn”.
Such co-dependent relationships are never healthy, when one has all the dominance. Sometimes, you may find that you are not at the right emotional level to get engaged in a relationship. If you find yourself in such situation and need to rediscover yourself, walk away and move on.
We have discussed long distance relationships before but as the scenario becomes increasingly commonin these times of technology and globalization, the equation and essence of long distance relationships itself has changed. People travel far and wide in quest of education, job or better life. They sometimes leave behind their loved ones in doing so. These relationships are then termed as long distance relationships. These relationships, as many believe, are doomed from the beginning, following the maxim, “Out of sight, out of mind” but there is something else that we have been hearing since always “Distance makes the heart grow fonder”. Here are some of the queries that people raise over long distance relationships and a guide to make a long distance relationship work.
Distance means so little when someone means so much.
People have many, many doubts when it comes to long distance relationships. They get anxious and conscious when they have to send a loved one away from them. They are apprehensive and they have a right to do so. Here are some of the frequently asked questions that people have related to long distance relationships:
- Are long distance relationships becoming more common by the day?
Yes, there has been a relative increase in the number of couples that are currently in long distance relationships as compared to 2000 or even 2005. Greater exposure, internet and a relatively lesser time required to travel are one of the main reasons that lead to an increase in such relationships. Virtual relationships, which are relationships between people who have met through the internet, are a great factor in increase in the number of long term relationships. People are becoming more confident of their relationships, since they have many more ways of communications, all thanks to facebook, Whatsapp and Skype, people do not have to wait for days to receive a letter or a postcard from their better half.
- Do such relationships work and are the couples satisfied?
People have a notion that long distance relationships have a higher breakup rates than general relationships where the spouses get to see each other every day, or live nearby. But, this is fortunately not the truth. Many studies have shown that the break up rates in a distance relationship and those among couples living geographically closer are not much different. Sol, there is a reason to be happy about, after all. And, coming to the satisfaction part, there is not much difference in that either. Okay, couples might not get to meet face to face each other, but in this age of technology, we cannot complain about the loss in face time. We have Skype, other video calling means, then regular chatting, calling up and texting are in no way worse than what regular couples have. There is always a way.
- How often should the spouses meet up?
A relationship depends on many factors. On the demographics, the personality type of each of the spouse and the type of relationship. The geographical distance also plays a big part. If the distance is very large, for example different countries, then frequent visits are naturally not very plausible. Psychologists suggest frequent visits to sustain the relationship, but regular communication works wonders too.
- What are the risks of being cheated on in a long distance relationship?
Distance never separates two hearts that really care, for our memories span the miles and in seconds we are there. But whenever I start feeling sad, because I miss you, I remind myself how lucky I am to have someone so special to miss.
The biggest worry that couples have about being away from each other is if they or their spouse may give into temptation and cheat on them, or they themselves would cheat on their partners. Though people may not actually cheat on each other, any more than a general relationship but this doubt and this constant worrying may lead to discords and tension between the couples. This question is subjective and depends on the personality type of the individuals involved in the long distance relationships. Frequent visits and better communication and more time allocation every day for each other are the only solutions that are do-able.
If there are so many questions in the hearts of people, then why even get in to long distance relationships? But, relationships are mysterious and people cannot give up on their loved ones just because of small distance between them, here are some ways by which couples can make their long distance relationships work:
Distance is to love like wind is to fire… it extinguishes the small and kindles the great”
- Have a Fixed Goal in mind and work towards it:
This is the first and most important step in working towards a long distance relationship. You need to set the goals, you will talk every day, you will share your intimate details and you will not sleep without talking to each other at least once in the day, Even though you are not sharing the same time zone, you need to share the same ideas of how your relationship is going to be shaped from that point onward.
- Re-learn how to be intimate:
The couples in such relationships need to relearn how to communicate with each other. People overlook the need to tell each other insignificant details of their day when they are together, focusing on other things, but being away from each other, creates a need for people to be able to know what is going on in others life, to feel like a part of it. Find ways to share in the little day-to-day events. Emailing each other, chatting are a great ways to accomplish this. Using reminders are a great way to keep your partner nearer psychologically. Writing to each other frequently is one of the best proven methods to make a long distance relationship work, and this is not just what movies show, it has been scientifically proven by researchers.
- Do things together:
It doesn’t suffice to just talk on the phone with each other. Couples need a lot of other things as well, to do together, to stay together. We suggest couples to take up some activities that they would enjoy as a couple. Take up some online scrapbooking, or make a journal together. Syncing the online calendars can be a big step in this particular direction. Meeting frequently is an important aspect that has to be followed to achieve this. If you can’t meet as frequently as planned, then make as much use of the internet as possible. Our ancestors stuck in the long distance relationships didn’t have this privilege of talking to their lived one over skype, looking at their faces across thousands of miles. Play online games, with multi player modes, who knows you may get to know a side of your partner you never even knew existed.
- Get Creative:
When two hearts are meant for each other, no distance is too far, no time too long and no other love can break them apart
A little creativity never hurt anybody, and especially if you put your heart in to it, it will never go to waste. Make something creative for your partner and send it to them as a surprise. Write a long love letter, old school, and snail mail it to them. No one expects a regular mail in this day and age, except for those dreaded credit card bills, and it would be a pleasant surprise to receive such a beautiful love letter from the most important person in their life. Make something creative, a personal keychain, a photo album, a journal, a music CD, something to keep them reminded of your love and how precious they are to you.
- Avoid excess communication:
Hearing your voice is better than you touching me. Because even when I yearn for your skin to touch mine, it is your voice that touches my soul
Excess of anything is bad. Being sticky and over possessive will not help the situation, it will only make it worse. You two don’t really have to communicate 12 hours a day to keep your relationship going. Many couples thought that they need to compensate for the distance by doing more. This is not the case and it should not be done this way. And it might only make things worse. It is not about spamming; you are only going to exhaust yourselves. It’s really about teasing at the right moments and tugging at the right spots.
- Expect disappointment:
All relationships have their respective ups and downs, no relationship is as we envision it to be, and nothing is perfect. If you don’t get to meet on the date that you fixed, it is okay, you have to let go sometimes, nothing can be predicted. If you don’t get a call every day, even that is fine, people are busy and sometimes we have to forget such trivia. You just have to give your everything to make the relationship work.