Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike
– J K Rowling
They say relationships are made in heaven. Meeting of two people and gradually accepting each other as their better half is truly beautiful. What judges the validity of that acceptation is how balanced they keep their relation on the long path ahead. I have discussed the primary factors responsible for a marriage hitting the rocks in previous write ups. But, here is the ugly face and the ugliest truth of it all—the break up!
The separation issues are not really taken up with an enhanced interest as much as the making up part of any relation. But the truth is that sometimes, breaking up is really the sole solution for a better future. Here’s for you an in depth version of this aspect.
Common Relationship Disputes
Every relationship is a sublime composition of perfections and imperfections which lends some bumps on the pre-assumed smooth ride. Following are some recurrent and coarse issues of a day to day life, an increased frequency of which can bring biggest differences between any couple-
- Financial disputes—Every relation, sometime post commitment, has financial disagreements and contentions which tend to affect the peace in a big way. This may include your coming across frequent taunts or questions from him/her regarding your spending whether acceptable or not.
- Lack of Communication—Communication plays a vital role in keeping you two glued to eachother. But friction caused by minor daily issues can unnoticeably bring down the amount of conversations done. All you need to do is extract some quality time with him/her to mend the patchable issues.
- Abuse—Abuse in a relationship can be physical, emotional, verbal or mental in nature. None of the mentioned abuses are legally acceptable in any relationship. An intense situation calls for a legal help.
- Sexual Dissatisfaction— It is usually an ignored factor in amongst a couple. Too frequent arguments result in emotional detachment and hence further resulting in the two falling apart with increase physical distances.
Why Do Relationships Break?
Apart from general reasons for the shattering of a relationship, here are few causes rarely taken into account:
- Ego Clash—“I am right, how can I be wrong!” or “I am the husband, do as I say” are some egocentric thoughts which definitely would have struck you at some point during the onset of an argument between you and him/her. Giving in sometimes can be a positive dose for your ruining relation. But an overdose can surely make others take you for granted.
- Commitment Block—Lack of dedication or devotion in a relation can turn it upside down. All it calls for is a willingness to understand and give more importance to your partner than yourself. Again, it is noteworthy to mention here that, excess of anything might revert back to you with heavy blow. Meaning, importance given calls for importance received.
- Lack of Respect—Respect is an important ingredient in any relationship. Self respect is everyone’s favourite.
I cannot conceive of a greater loss than the loss of one’s self respect
— Mahatma Gandhi
Respect is a subtle mixture of three essential ingredients of admiration, appreciation and recognition. Respect in such relationships comes out of overlooking the flaws of your partner and accepting and admiring him/her with his/her imperfections instead of going on the spree to change him/her to your requirements and likes.
- The Myth— A prevalent myth about relationships is that people should change after marriage. This is a wrong assertion. One doesn’t expect a complete makeover post marriage. If you wish to groom your partner as per your expectations, then you are in for a huge tumult in your marriage.
- Emotional Intimacy—Intimacy is not just physical. Emotional intimacy has a bulkier role than the former. Talking it out with your partner is the demand of the situation.
Signs That Your Relationship Is Heading Towards Doom
Many a times, you or your partner wouldn’t realise where your marriage is headed. And one fine day the things might suddenly strike to your surprise. Here are some obvious signs indicating a probable catastrophe in your relation :
- Distrust—Whether mutual or one sided, distrust has no sister definition. Losing trust is the foremost sign of any relationship heading towards an end. Is he/she questioning your motives, acts, purpose or abilities too much? Has the anger, possessiveness or control increased from his/her side? It’s the sign!
- Realization—A sudden out of the blue realization of the fact that your values and thinking differs widely as compared to his/hers, it’s the sign!
- No Togetherness—Your plans now are devoid of him/her now. It’s not intentional though, but his/her involvement is not heartily acceptable anymore. It’s the sign!
- No Fun—Every relationship needs regular dose of fun, enjoyment and excitement. But if you have someone who keeps complaining about your ways and behaviour, about the ways you wish to enjoy a part of the life, it’s the sign!
- A Life With Someone Else—You both fell in love, married, suffered and are no more tolerant and instead have started fantasizing life with someone else, it’s the sign!
- No Future Together—Every couple have certain dreams together for their future. But when you can’t see yourself with him/her in future and rather detest the mere ides of spending the further life with him/her, it’s the sign!
How To Walk Out ?
A wish to walk out and practically doing so, are two different things. You might have been wishing to walk out of your relationship, but might be falling short of the courage to do so. Once the above aspects of a ruining marriage or relationship are evident, then there is no reason to carry on.
One cannot walk out on someone randomly. The act has to be preceded with discussions and mutual consent, i.e. the act has to be amicable.
Still, it is always a wiser advice to sit and talk out so as to dig out the possibilities of a future together. Don’t forget that your act connects its repercussions with many other people of the family, thus it needs to be well meditated and a patient decision.
How To Deal With a breakup
Breaking up owing to the genuine reasons can be easy. It is the life after the act that holds the toughest scenario for both him and her. Dealing with a break up can be very difficult, but it’s definitely not impossible:
- Catch hold of your feelings. This would be the time when the best of the moments you had spent with him/her would haunt you. It can be truly hurtful to stay engrossed in your past. Try to accept the situations in a positive manner. Instead of stressing upon the past, try thinking about what good the break up has brought you with or what bad you have saved yourself from.
- It is the most obvious part in the initial stages of the post break up phase that you would tend to search for answers to your questions regarding breakup, e.g. “Where did we go wrong?”or “Why did this have to happen with us?”. It is advisable to stay in the present and let the jumbled up emotions settle down.
- Instead of cribbing about the past, think about the fact that you learned a lesson in love. Even though easy to be said than to be done, but moving on is the best remedy to let the pain of separation heal.
Relationships are blessings, but they need the manure of love, respect and devotion. A little more would raise expectations and a little less would bring remorse.
– Shilpa Sandesh
Every couple has ups and downs, every couple argues, and that’s the thing-you are a couple, and couples can’t function without trust.
-Nicholas Sparks, ‘At First Sight’
Just like the rough patches on a road, a relationship is also a long route with a bouncy ride. What matters here is how earliest one recognises the failure one’s personal relationship is heading towards, as has been discussed in the past few articles on the subject of infidelity or the role of sexual relation and its importance in keeping the disputes at bay.
Suppose you had an argument with your spouse, what is the first thing that strikes you? “Oh come on, that is such a trivial issue honey, stop cribbing about it!” Isn’t it? Most of the arguments crop out of some complex issues of the daily life. So if you have been witnessing some downfalls in your personal relationship and have lately been frenzied or distressed with the same, then you are here at the right platform.
Some of the recurrent and typical issues that surface midst a couple are:
- Communication gap:
Communication is pivotal in every relationship, but unnoticeably gets worn out with time by getting overshadowed with new priorities. It can however be overcome easily with mutual understanding. Communication is like a waltz between a couple. Well if you are wondering how in this fast lifestyle one can give exclusive time to communication, then here it is-
- Out of the whole 24 hours, try setting aside some time for talks without any interruptions.
- Start with putting your kids to bed, letting your phones be on silent mode or on voice mail etc.
- You can also plan an outing for just the two of you.
- Infidelity or Extra marital affairs:
Trespassing the bounds in a relation to accept one outside the existent relationship is always considered unacceptable. Cheating can break even the strongest of a relationship. Overcoming such an act can be truly cumbersome, but is possible with the following ways-
- Look forth for a positive transformation. Instead on eyeing on the past infidelity act, eye on your partner’s positive aspects, his/her best traits.
- Get your purpose straight, i.e. understand your feelings and clarify your stand to yourself. Whether it’s the feeling of hurt, heartache or anger, decisions ought to be taken without these extreme emotions.
- Such an act from either of the partner calls for an emotional intimacy. Coming close to each other by spending time together, sharing each other’s feelings could be an effective step to kill the sentimental blues between you two.
- An important point worth a mention here is that infidelity also happens due to emotional dissatisfaction or genuine issues between a couple. It is advisable in such a case to approach a counsellor. Also, both partners in such a case must understand and decide regarding the prospects of staying in the relationship for the future or moving out, if it is for the good of both.
- Lack of Respect:
Evident disdain in a relationship is the most ignored and the most serious reasons of disputes in a couple’s relationship. A mutual respect is very essential for growth of a relationship and is a matter of greatest gravity in any relationship.
- Situations of Abuse:
Apart from the above stated issues, the most serious is the one that crops up as a result of some physical, mental, emotional or verbal abuse. Such a scenario should be dealt with some legal guidance owing to their seriousness. But in most of the cases the victim is unaware of the prevalent abuse or is too scared to accept it. Following are some signs if you are in an abusive relationship:
- He/she inculcates physical hurt.
- He/she forces you to do something against your will.
- He/she never hesitates to humiliate you in public.
- He/she is least cared about your reciprocation and feelings when hurt.
- He/she punishes you through their act in exchange for something done by you against his/her liking.
- He/she is extremely jealous of you and keeps doubting you.
- He/she pleasurably makes you feel guilty for everything you do against his/her wish.
- Stay or Walk Away:
This is a typical situation of dilemma. This is that phase of your relationship when the first question that arises is “Shouldn’t I have waited to marry?”In most of such situations, you would wish to leave, but following reasons might act as breakers:
- You feel scared and under confident to do so.
- You are still very much in love with him/her.
- You feel a requirement of behavioural changes in him/her, but it is something next to impossible. Instead, you realise under his/her pressure how much you have transformed.
- You have not been able to recognise the signs indicating towards a ruining marriage or relationship or the ongoing abuse.
- Whenever you are firm to step out, he/she have apologised and made up for that temporary moment keeping you tied with their emotional performance.
- You still feel that things might get better, even though when you look back you think “It’s more than enough!”
- Lack of Concern and Support:
Does he/she support you when you are in some emotional or mental trouble? May be not. May be you get treated with taunts when you need his/her support the most. This lack of regard is truly bothersome and is quite evident in 90% of the couples.
Are You The Right One For Him/Her?
He/she might be the perfect one, so must be you. But there is an essential factor called compatibility, which is the root of any relationship. You might be the best person by nature or behaviour, but that doesn’t fulfil the criteria of you being perfect for him/her. Same goes for your partner too. A counsellor might be the right choice for your answers if you have following queries popping up in your mind every now and then:
- Should I walk out?
- Is there a better life outside this relationship?
- Can I be happy in long term in my current relationship?
- Is the society going to support my decision or would I be fighting alone?
How To Rekindle the Lost Spark?
Romance is the secret of a blooming relationship. Following are some assuring ways to bring back that lost spark in your relation with him/her:
- Call for some craziness- What about some distraction? A little ridiculousness is always a treat in a romantic relationship. Ever been scared of that roller coaster ride? Then hop on one with your beloved and see the fun! Or go for hiking or trekking together!
- Let’s talk some sex! Yes, don’t take a back seat, sex is as important as any other aspect of a relationship. Fuse your bedroom sessions with some kinky sex toys. Add some hot sex positions, try new ones and show him/her the ultimate orgasmic bliss.
- What about getting dirty right in the morrow! Eyebrows raised? Try seducing her/him in the morning while you both are still in bed. And see how rejuvenated your entire day happens to be!
- Touch each other frequently. Touch doesn’t have to be a sexual in nature. A peck on the cheek, a kiss, your hand around her waist etc. are some ways to express your affection.
- Try to focus on the positive aspects of your partner. It would enhance the attraction factor. In a marriage, its easy to lend your partner a fixed perception but its difficult to bring him/her out of that set of mind!
- Loving yourself is as much important as loving your partner. That’s because, when you would love yourself, then you add energy to your being and thus into your relation. Do what you aspire to, and let the energies double.
- Be in love again! Yes, remember the first time you met your love. Do everything all over again and relive those romantic days of courtship. Try to identify the strength of your relationship and work on it. So, never stop dating!
Why is it that the right people never wind up together? Why are people so afraid to leave a relationship, even if they know it’s a bad one?
Staying in a relationship or walking away depends entirely upon the nature of the situations. But it is always advisable to try to mend things before deciding leaving them scattered.
One’s not half of two, two are halves of one
Sex is all in the head! For action to happen right you have to get it right in the mind. Dropping your shorts is surely a great idea to arouse a woman but will be monotonous after some time. In order to make her warm for action, you have to devise newer and better tricks. An aroused and satisfied woman is the essential ingredient to awesome bedroom life. Agree? Read on.
Physical intimacy in any relationship is definitely the most passionate feeling for both men and women. But the fairer sex definitely has a different and interesting point of view when it comes to bed. Some guys find it absolutely nerve-wracking to comprehend the idea of what women want in bed. That’s right, boys- women are not as simple as you may assume. They are far more complex, deep, desirous and passionate than you may thing them to be. Under the poised little black dress and stilettos lie a wild person ready to rip off your shirt!
Recently, a leading magazine went around errands finding women’s greatest sexual desires and temptations. The results were unbelievable and there came a long list of ‘must dos’. So, men sit down and take some serious notes on the basics of sex. You may think yourself to be a great expert by watching porn as a teenager, but this is a true reality check.
Watch out for your dragon breath
Yes, men are gross creatures. At least, as per what most women believe. Your lady is definitely not very serious to know what you ate for dinner. Try to stay away from bad breath as it’s a great turn off. A recent study revealed than over 67% women hoped that their partner should have fresher breath. Smelling nice and fresh is a basic and not just a trait only for initial phase of dating. So, hold back on your habits and make a little effort to stay hygienic.
Ah! Don’t take us wrong. We are not getting into the genital size debate here. By size we mean your physique. Women enjoy more with men who are physically large and macho. Everyone cannot be Brad Pitt or tom Cruise, but you can always try for basic fitness. Pot bellies are definitely a big turn off and take away the charm of the experience. Invest your time in everyday fitness regime and that will go a long way in making you a desirable man.
It’s downright rude if you do not praise a woman in bed. We know you have showered millions of compliments before but will have to do it again. Any girl is super conscious of her looks and how she appears to the significant person in her life. You have to make her feel confident about her body and see how it turns her on. Tell her that her eye lashes are beautiful and how the new tattoo is awesome. Think. Think. There are a million way to praise a woman. It’s a great arousal technique and will also make your bond stronger.
You might be shocked to learn the results of a recent study. 74% of female respondents said that males were not satisfactory during foreplay. Some even complained that their sexual activity was completely devoid of any romantic foreplay. Guys! Foreplay is the elixir of sexual charm for women. You may forget it but they desire it. It gives her ample satisfaction and enjoyment to indulge in foreplay. It could be romantic talks, dance, caressing, holding hands and hundreds of affectionate gestures. Experiment and explore what works best for your lady love.
Say ‘I love you’
Let’s not forget the reason for being there in complete intimate moments. She knows it already but would like to hear one more time. In between the kiss and the caress, just say the three magical words. Saying ‘I Love you’ add a magical whim to the entire experience. It’s just a matter of words for men but it carries a deep emotional and psychological connotation for women. Value her feelings and say how much you love her. She will deeply like it and reciprocate it in a better way.
We have said all this hundred times before and reiterate it once more. Females are vocal creatures. Like it or not, women love to indulge into deep conversation even during the passionate moments between the sheets. Drop all those walls and speak your mind to her. Tell her what you would like to do to her and how amazing she is. Talk about all romantic stuff you have ever read or seen in any movie. You may find it illogical but believe us it all works for women.
Hold her hostage
Shocked? Don’t be. “I totally love the idea of surrendering my complete body to someone. It’s too fanciful and erotic”, says a 29 year old lady. Tie her up with ropes or strings and see how she gets aroused. No, no, do not wait for her to tell you this. It’s her secret fantasy and you have to do it right away. And yes! All women love this act!
Turn on the Romance button
Red petals, soft music, scented candles and dim lights. Sounds like a Mills and Boons scene but it invariably turns on women. Irrespective of age and the number of years she has been with you, the basic of romance remain unchanged. Sex is so much perfect in movies and books. But, to your surprise, women do desire to recreate that flawless and blissful experience.
Do not jump to the main act within seconds of arriving in the room. Be tender and slow. Sometimes who may get confused when to get wild and when to keep it soft? The answer is striking a balance between both. Read her mood and reaction to your advancements. Take cues from her response and proceed. As per a survey, over 56% women felt that they weren’t aroused enough when their partner proceeded for penetration. So, be slow and enjoy the act.
All humans have fantasies. Your lady is no exception to it. She definitely has many whims and fantasies. She has a long list of situations she wishes she could play. So what’s stopping you? Be the prisoner and let her be the aroused officer. How about a sexy nurse and a handsome patient? Let your imagination loose and create a new fun in your sex life. Role plays are surprisingly the easiest way to introduce fun in your bedroom. Many modern couples often talk about how they revived their otherwise boring bedroom life by having some kinky role plays.
You may with any sort of independent, successful and i-love-myself type of woman, but trust us on this, she loves it when you dominate in bed. Do not always be a meek, over-submissive and listening guy. Be confident and keep up your masculine skills alive. We completely understand your concern over being branded as a too-hard guy, but strike a fine balance between romance and fervor.
As per a recent survey, a whopping number of women complained of lack of kissing in the act. Men tend to get lost in the action and forget about little things that obviously make great differences to women. Apart from vocal, women are also extremely emotional beings. It’s simply fabulous for them to be kissed by someone whom they value.
This is indeed a tricky task. We are not asserting that all women love oral sex, but as per research a surprising number surely does. Girls, in general prefer variety in bed and oral sex adds a lot of charm to the whole action. Not every woman like it the same way so you need to experiment a bit. Gauge her reaction and try to decipher what she likes. The whole sentiment of oral sex is overwhelming, so enjoy the experience mutually.
The reality about what women desire in bed is not any rocket science. It’s just a matter of little sensitivity and understanding. Sex therapists across the globe emphasize on mutual satisfaction and enjoyment. As a couple, it’s crucial that both of you work out a mutually comfortable sex equation. For that to happen, you need to communicate, explore, experiment and express. Try to create an atmosphere of open expression and communication. Make the woman feel confident of her desires and show your interest in knowing what’s important to her. After having said that, we leave it all to the sensual wisdom of our readers to discover their sexual compatibilities. Guys, women are not complicated, they are just a little deep in their hearts. Know what lies in her heart and keeping her happy won’t be a mystery anymore.
The door opened so easily and although Emma was reluctant to enter, something pulled on her to do it anyway. She looked down the alley that she just walked down. An occasional car would pass by but it seemed so far away. She stood before the partially open door and hesitated before going in.
Her eyes couldn’t adjust until she was completely inside. “Hello?” The door closed quietly behind her with no effort on her part. She should be frightened, at least some…but she was not. As she became accustomed to the dark room, she began to make out her surroundings. She didn’t see tarot cards or strings of lights on the walls. There were no beads hanging from door ways or candles lit for appearances. The far wall had a few old shelves housing voodoo dolls and indian arrow heads. She walked along the side toward the wall. Everything was dusty.
“This place is like something out of an ancient history book.” She shook her head in disbelief as she explored. Skeletons of animal heads and artwork of abstract people in tall hats marching in streets toward fires that seemed out of control. As she got closer to the walls and was completely saturating herself with its content she passed a doorway and jumped back when she realized that doorway was not empty.
An old woman stood before her. Emma could not tell if she was pleased she was there or angry she was trespassing. This woman’s face was that of a hundred year old indian. Her face so weathered, like the card Emma had in her pocket. Emma wanted to touch her but she kept her distance.
“Miss Cleo? I didn’t see a way to call to make an appointment….” Was the woman listening to her? She wasn’t even looking at her. Emma looked behind her and then back at the woman. “Am I at the right place?” She held out the card. The woman still did not respond. Emma just stood there for a moment, looked around the room again and walked toward the door. “I”m sorry, I must have gotten lost.” She turned and slowly walked to the front door. Before she reached the door the woman spoke.
“Āpa ēka kāraṇa kē li’ē yahām̐ haiṁ.”
“I’m sorry? I…I don’t under….”
“Sit. I am Miss. Cleo.”
Emma was more curious than she was scared. She had been to many psychics and although she believed in something deeper, most of the psychics were very good at reading body language and giving good advice. This, however, was different. There was a reason she was there and even though it didn’t seem she belonged there she felt she needed to be. She sat down at the large table. A few small candles were lit and Emma could see the dust spark as the flame danced. The room illuminated a bit more and Emma felt she was in a different world.
The woman took Emma’s hands and touched her palms. Her eyes closed and she hummed a light hum that soon turned into a chant.
“Miss Sophia told me you would ….” The woman stopped and opened her eyes. The glare she gave sent a shiver up Emma’s spine. Emma just nodded and stared back until the woman closed her eyes again and continued with the chant. A few minutes passed and the woman dropped her head. She didn’t move. Was she asleep? Emma slid her hands from the woman’s grasp and sat there waiting patiently. She leaned down to try to get a better look at her weathered face. She didn’t move. “Excuse me? Are you ok?” Still nothing. Emma didn’t know if she should just get up and leave, call someone, or just wait. This was all so odd to her.
Without warning, without moving, the woman spoke. “You have veered from your path. A path laid out for you. Safe. Secure. Trustworthy. One with high fences on both sides and a bright light with every step you were to take.” She looked up and although her expression didn’t change, she was causing a horrible uncertainty in Emma that she perhaps didn’t think this whole thing through. “You dare break that fence down and wander into the thick and dark jungle of this world you know nothing of. This is not like a Virgo to do.”
The woman stood and slowly walked around the table toward Emma. She stood behind her and Emma felt the woman’s hands wrap around her neck. Her fingers fed up into her long dark hair. “Do you think you make the right choice?” Emma nodded a yes. She had to stand firm and be strong in what she believed in. “Your loved ones grieve for you. They say you made terrible mistake. Do you feel it in your heart it is ok they cry for you?” Emma nodded again, but this time she hesitated. The woman flung her fingers through her hair and very slowly walked back to her chair.
Emma waited agonizingly long for the woman to do so, and sit, and stare at her with the same express she began with. “You will find strength in your fight through this jungle. You will find a longer life as well.”
“A… longer life?”
The woman nodded. “The cleared and well lit path was a clear path to a short end for you. Depressing, self destructive and unfulfilling. You chose to break through and it was good.” Emma smiled and wanted to get up and twirl around. The woman made Emma doubt herself at first. She felt bad enough leaving all that she knew behind, but she knew deep down in her heart if she didn’t break away then she’d be truly unhappy.
“Thank you. I was beginning to wonder if I was doing the right thing….” The woman put her hand up to silence her and then she spoke very slowly as if she needed to concentrate on pronouncing each word she said.
“This is not a party. Not a game. You must keep your eyes wide open and your senses cleared. There will be signs along your new path but you need to look to find. You will discover what you seek and you will find who you are. Strength, submission, passion and love. You will find strength on your way to what you seek. Submission in the man who captures your soul, passion in all things because you want them and love will be deep within.”
The old woman pushed herself up from the table with some effort and scuffled off to the doorway. Emma was in ecstasy. She was doing the right thing. As difficult as it was to leave the plans that were made for her, she knew, deep inside that it was what she needed to do.
Before disappearing the woman turned and looked again. With one crooked finger pointed to her, she gave a warning. “Find the signs. Follow your heart. Beware the mirror of the love you seek.” And she was gone.
She was confused. She was never good with riddles. “Beware the mirror of the love you seek? What the hell does that mean?” She called out for the woman. Emma had questions but she doubted she would see the woman again. As she began to leave she realized the woman never asked for payment. Emma called for her again but she did not respond. She fished into her pocket and found her last twenty and a few ones. She put it on the table and left quietly.
Walking back down that dark alleyway Emma was more aware of her surroundings. She didn’t think she was at Miss Cleo’s for very long but the sun had set and the darkness seemed to take over. She reached into her pocket for something, anything that would even remotely come in handy if Emma needed to defend herself against whoever was lurking around each corner. She grabbed everything in her pockets and pulled it out to examine the contents. Nothing she had would help her in a battle of the streets. What she did have was a twenty dollar bill and some ones. She furrowed her eyebrows in a confusion that made no sense.
“I gave this to….” She turned around and walked back down the alleyway. “I swore I did.” She shook her head. “This place is going to take some getting used to.” She knocked on the door knowing the woman wouldn’t answer. She turned the door knob but the lock held it tight. The money wouldn’t slide underneath the doorway and it wouldn’t slide into the cracks of the door either. She didn’t dare leave it in the alleyway. As she turned away she made a mental note that she would return to compensate Miss Cleo for her time and wisdom.
Emma’s walk back to her apartment didn’t take as much time as she thought it took her to originally get there. Perhaps it was because her mind was full of the things Miss. Cleo told her. Emma had so much to look forward to. She felt she was on the right path and she was ready to explore her life the way she needed to.