I believe in recognizing every human being as a human being–neither white, black, brown, or red; and when you are dealing with humanity as a family there’s no question of integration or intermarriage. It’s just one human being marrying another human being or one human being living around and with another human being.
― The Autobiography of Malcolm X
There comes a stage in our lives when each one of us needs someone whom we can call our soul-companion. Whether by falling in love or by being arranged in a relationship, one finds his/her mate for life. But, when it’s about love commitments or love marriages, countries like India are still to come out of the inter-religion or inter-caste marriages. A little diversion from our previously written subjects like “Heading for a Love or an Arranged Marriage”, this one would deal with a much alluring but rarely discussed theme of interracial marriages or interracial relationships.
Most Fascinating Facts About Interracial Love Affairs and Relationships
Love is the base and foundation of any serious relationship. And agree or not, the love marriages or relations have their own gripping stories or experiences whether about meeting for the first time or struggles to convince respective families for permission to marry and the life thereafter. And here the emphasis is upon the marriages or relationships which have interracial partners. Here are some of the most enthralling features or facts about interracial marriages are:
- Background plays an important role in any interracial marriage, as the statistics say. If the couple are from a well settled and well functioning family, they are older and much educated as a result of which they have a good income and a stable marriage.
- Couples with not so well performing background are vulnerable to financial conflicts or frequent arguments and thus a not too stable or long lasting marriage.
- Racial prejudice is sometimes the main factor. How a partner reacts and overcomes racial remarks or comments is crucial to the relation. People can be taught not to discriminate but cannot be stopped from passing remarks. In such a case if a partner reacts wrongly or gets affected too fast, this results in marital discords.
- The pre commitment affair between two interracial people can be really interesting with respect to the attitude of the two regarding races.
Challenges and Pitfalls In An Interracial Marriage
In most of the cases couple in a love marriage have faced some sort of hurdles to get married. Let’s take a quick glance on the obstacles enroute to an interracial relationship-
- An interracial marriage means entering a whole new culture and religion and developing new relations with people entirely different from your own. This at times requires a lot of courage and tenacity. Criticism would have to be faced at every step especially if the marriage has been against the family’s wishes. Patience is the virtue to a successful relation in such a case.
- Disagreements from either or both the families is one of the very common problems in such marriages. Bringing the parties to mutually agree might take a lot of time and efforts and could involve a lot of unacceptable or difficult situations for both the partners. Such situations demand calmness and thoughtfulness.
- When in an interracial marriage, it is obvious for your significant half and your parents to feel alienated or no connection towards each other. This might result in some emotional upheavals. A well maintained respect for the elders in such a scenario is promising for future betterment with respect to the rapport with the members around.
- Random racial remarks in public are quite expected when you are out with your partner from a different race. Be fearless and spirited enough to introduce or accept him/her being your love interest. Shrinking away from truth to avoid facing remarks can be destructive for your relation as it is likely to make your partner insecure regarding the relationship with you.
- In an interracial marriage, both partners come from two different types of cultures and beliefs. Whose beliefs to be agreed to after commitment, can arise often. Such disagreements over different values can eventually rupture a relationship.
- However open minded your family might be with other people, things are different when it’s about their own family. They are likely to give a cold shoulder even though the acceptation comes with time.
- An interracial marriage is a doorway to an entirely new world for both the partners. It is in a way a medium to widen your own attitude and understanding to a different culture and its people. Apart from the principles required in any successful marriage, dedication and a positive approach are vital in an interracial marriages.
- Navigating an interracial relationship towards success can be complicated. Imposing each other’s culture on one another can be irritating. The key lies with celebrating and enjoying both the cultures with equal importance.
Why Not To Date Interracially?
Dating or committing to a man/woman of different colour can be advocated if you are really serious about it. But an interracial dating or commitment is not always a bright idea. Read forth to know why:
- Even though some nations remain racially stratified despite of their rules and claims stating them to be racially open minded, such relationships remain a tough choice. If one enters an interracial relation not out of love and commitment but in view of gaining status, the relation should not be initiated.
- Why would you like to commit to or date someone of a different race? If it is for mutual feelings of love and romance, it’s a green signal for you, but could it be just because you see it in trend in the contemporary wide minded world? Your reasons for commitment would be the judges for your future marital stability.
- In many families, it is clarified beforehand that the daughter or son must not date or marry a person from minority race. As a result of this, such commitments spring out of a rebellious act. In such a case it’s more than clear that you intend to use your partner as a medium of revolt against your parents.
- Such commitments are often the result of an inferiority complex faced by the minority groups. Minority groups are the victims of racist remarks which makes them accept the ways to erase all the possible traits which separate them from the majority race. Dating and committing to the so called superior racist people is thus for some an act of abolishing such traits.
- Sometimes, dating a person from another race is due to repeated sunken luck from commitments in the same race. So it’s not the commitment and love that forces you to marry, but a wish to try your luck out by dating a person from a different race.
How To Make Your Interracial Relation A Success?
If you whole heartedly intend to give yourself to committing to your interracial partner, then follow these simple but effective tips:
- Remember always that successful relations are never governed by race, creed or colour, it’s all about common interests.
- Do not let others impose their anti racist thoughts upon you.
- If parents deal with their interracial daughter/son in law with understanding, the two families too are likely to develop good relations.
- After an interracial marriage, children of mixed race are bound to be a victim to racist remarks. It is necessary to make sure that your children are well prepared and taught about the insignificance of any such comments towards them.
- Celebrate each other’s cultural occasions together.
- Prevent yourself from sharing your negative feelings regarding your partner’s culture.
Marriage and committed relationships are tender and need a lot of dedication, devotion and trust. The amount of these necessary factors increase when it’s an inter caste or an interracial relation.
This was the woman Narasimhan had married, as opposed to whatever girl from Madras his family wanted for him. Subhash wondered how his family reacted to her. He wondered if she’d ever been to India. If she had, he wondered whether she’d liked it or hated it. He could not guess from looking at her
― Jhumpa Lahiri, The Lowland
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In few of my past articles I talked about differentiating between Love and Lust or even Love and Obsession. Feelings can sometimes get confusing. A random casual hook up seems to be the fresh craze amongst the contemporary youth to later age groups. As it might seem hassle free non-committal intimate affiliation to some, many are very much against such meaningless connections. Previously presented articles unravelled the different facets of relationship with regards to mending and breaking as well as the impact on children in either cases. Let’s glance into yet another most contemporary kind of relationship, the casual relationships.
How Does Casual Relationship Differs From Committed One
No wonder relationships are not really what they used to be. Commitment doesn’t come that easy in the present day world. Whatever the fact may sound but it’s true that it’s more about sex than togetherness in the current era. And what is more disheartening is the reasoning, “our busy office schedule doesn’t let us into committed relationships!” For many casual relationships have their own set of meaning and positive aspects. Let’s see how the two differ from each other-
- In a serious relationship, the two people are committed to each other. They care about the likes and dislikes of each other; know each other’s common acquaintances or friends; they respect, trust and love each other and are very much a part of each other’s life as well as family. Whereas, in casual dating or rather one/few night stands, there are zero strings attached. Even if you feel attracted or attached to your casual partner in a romantic way, he/she might just be dealing with you as another casual partner for pleasure.
- Loyalty comes itself when you are in a committed relationship. There is love and romance, a sense of responsibility, respect and credibility associated with the seriousness of the commitment. You would refrain from getting involved elsewhere when you are truly committed to someone. While in a casual or random relation, such things are meaningless. Even if one of the daters develops some intense feelings for the date, the feelings not being reciprocated turns hurtful for the former.
- Emotions are the building blocks in a committed relationship. They come naturally when you feel truly attached with the person you love and care for. Where as in the casual stuff, you would end up being sexually experimental with not one but many partners without any guilt or conscience. Being sexually, emotionally and mentally faithful comes spontaneously and unpretentiously in committed relations, while a casual one is completely devoid of any such devotion or staunch.
- Physical intimacy is sacred in committed relationships in terms of the two people being sexually trustworthy to each other. While amongst casual daters, being physically intimate is just another hour of pleasure and nothing more.
How To Keep A Relationship Casual?
For all those who are willing to stay in a casual daters category and want to make sure they do not promote to the committed ones, you need to set some rules for yourself as well as him/her. Keep in mind the following to make sure it remains casual:
- In committed relationships, one partner automatically tends to be dominating. But there is no such thing in a casual relationship. Do not let your date control you in any ways. It’s time to walk out if you are being swayed over by your date. A point worth stating and considering here is that if you are accepting being dominated by your date then it means that you are falling in love with him/her.
- It is alright to be emotionally attracted towards your date, but this might turn into a serious attachment. If at any point you feel so, you must avoid meeting the latter for few weeks and judge your feelings, whether they are momentary or everlasting.
- The thoughts ought to be crystal clear in a casual dating. The two people getting along must know what is it that they want out of the other, or are there any expectations!
- Couple in a non committed relation are open to exclusive dating outside too. This should be acceptable to you provided you are not looking forward to taking it on another level.
- The frequency of meeting with your current casual date determines your anticipations or assumptions from each other.
- Be frank about the awkward things about each other. But always remember, hold the thoughts of confessing your love for your date. Physical closeness tends to make a person emotionally close too, but that may end up being either momentary or just one sided.
- A casual relationship has its own set of boundaries which the two people are actually ignorant about. Make sure neither you nor your partner cross those boundaries.
- Both partners in a casual relation are free to do what they wish to outside. You are not reasonable to your partner and this shouldn’t be considered as an act of rudeness. Whether it is golfing, outing with girls or guys or whatever pleases you or him/her, freedom is the word!
Do You Want To Turn Casual Relation to Commitment?
Controlling your emotion are feelings for the person you are casually dating, is not always in your hands. There are times when you might feel head over heels for your date and every moment spent with him/her counts for you as the best one. Have you lately been wishing to give your current casual hook up a whole new definition? Perhaps commitment!
As per psychologists, men and women think differently when its about a physical intimacy. Sex is vital but has a totally varied perception amongst the two sexes. It has been found that for women emotional, cultural, societal as well a personal values are attached with sex. While for most of the men, sex means sex! This is to say that where in women, romance is the first step to sex, in men sex is the first step to romance. Don’t mistake men to be sex maniacs ladies, they want an intimate relation, but aren’t desperate for it!
If you are feeling closer than before with your date and are willing to step forth with commitment, read ahead:
- Impulse- When you are constantly hit by the thoughts of committing to your date, then all you need is to encourage. You must know what it is that you are gaining out of your relation. If you think your casual partner and you can together create a spark in your relationship if turned serious, and can ensure all that one expects out of a serious commitment, then it is worth a try. It is not necessary that your partner too wishes to go ahead with the commitment, and it is here that he/she would require motivation from your side. In such a case, you would be entirely responsible to change your partner’s mind-set. Enlighten him about the positive aspects and the good things about a committed relationship together. The best way is to throw light upon the fun times you two spend together and your steamy sexual sessions with him/her.
- Do Not Overdo convincing- When you are ready to go ahead with commitment but he/she isn’t despite of your constant motivation, you really need to think about your feelings again! It’s the best time to walk away instead of letting your developing feelings turn into a one sided love. So, reconsider your own motives regarding him/her.
- Self confidence is a trait that attracts a man to commit to a woman. You ought to be secure financially and have foremost self respect. Your man isn’t looking for a self effacing woman to commit to.
- Picture yourself with your love interest ten years from today and judge your budding feelings for him/her. Ponder upon how you would be making the life more interesting for both of you and what initiative you would like him/her to take for the same. Life isn’t just about living as it comes. Two people in committed relationship can do wonders to beautify their life together and are very much capable of blunders to make life hell for each other.
- If you truly intend to commit or convince him/her for commitment, then it’s time you put your whole self in embellishing your relation with love, romance and lots of quality time with each other. Eg: Add sex toys to intensify your bedroom sessions!
Every romantic relationship needs a constant dose of patience, admittance, confessions of love and not to forget the roses! Commitment in a serious relationship is beautiful. There is no harm in taking your casual relationship to the higher levels with romantic confessions. So go ahead and say yes to togetherness!
The dating world makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. You put yourself out there earnestly as available only to encounter some of the most disingenuous people. There seems to be no formula. Just a boat load of anxiety. Did I do this right? Will he call? If I just say I like him, will it backfire because he will know he doesn’t have to earn my time and attention anymore? How do people do this……Seriously…..how?
― Alafia Stewart
In few of the previous articles I have talked about long distance relationships. Dating and courtship has its own charm during the onset of a romantic relationship. Eloping for a date without letting your parents or guardians know, those romantic gift exchanges, numerous promises for future and what not. But the most astonishing aspect of it all is that the technology seems to have acquired this too! Some serious and thought provoking subjects have been dealt with in our previous write ups. Beginning from a lighter and ticklish romantic note to the seriousness of the online dating, read forth to explore the cyber romance.
The online dating has now been a fetish since the social sites and online chatting began. What was limited to the youth or the younger generation only is now popular amongst the older generation too.
What is Online Dating?
Online dating is when you wish for a partner but don’t really want to go out in search of one! Yes, bitter but true. Seeking for romantic or sexual partner on professional websites dealing with providing one is popularly known as online dating.
Dating someone without having actually met him/her can really be exciting and a sort of romantic adventure. To know how this dating practice works, read on:
- Registering- To begin dating online, you would be required to register yourself on a dating website and make a profile. Many websites now offer a restricted access to profile views to paid members only. This prevents the profile from being accessed by perverts.
- Post the basic information registration one needs to add the personality description with respect to the physical attributes, i.e. height, weight etc. You might include your hobbies and your expectations out of your prospective partner as well.
- Adding your photograph is another vital step. Your picture must compliment your description of yourself in the profile. The prospective viewer/partner would prefer as much actuality in your profile and photo as much as you demand out of his/her profile.
- Avoid adding any personal identification information on your profile. Personal info such as address, contact number etc. should be withheld since such data might create problems if made public.
Advantages of Online Dating
Considered to be an edging activity in the beginning, the online dating has now become immensely prominent and is estimated to form around $ two billion industry. Cyber relationships are not usually taken seriously but these do sometimes end up in success. Let’s read on to see how beneficial online romance can be:
- The fear of rejection is one of the most obvious reasons for a person willing to find a romantic partner. Not everyone has a spirit to accept rejection in person and thus the fear of getting into an embarrassing situation prevents people from getting social or getting to know someone with a view of being a romantic partner. Thus online dating serves to save one from all such hassles.
- Everyone wants romance filled life whether you are a single or committed. For singles, finding a partner is actually something that makes them nervous. You are devoid of any such pressures when looking for your date online.
- One gets to know many people at the same time and thus becomes easier to find the one most suitable for you.
- It is more likely that you would find someone more quite compatible with you. That is to meet like-minded someone with a similar thinking and a better understanding with a probability of a future relation.
- Without rushing towards any prospects, online dating gives you an opportunity to set perimeters before you actually decide upon meeting up someone.
Disadvantages of Online Dating
Much has been said about the positive aspects and the romantic adventures that accompany online dating. But nothing comes without a set of disadvantages. Trying to get hooked with someone online can really be perilous and might lead you to some unmendable menaces.
- Profile lies- Many people tend to lie in their profiles in view to be overly impressive. Especially when it’s about self-description, people usually tend to beautify themselves beyond reality or actuality. This is also known as the date/profile mismatch. That is to say that your date turns out to be nothing near to what he/she projected himself/herself in the profile.
- Online dating is not always a medium for long term relationship for everyone accessing the site. For you it might be a serious medium to find your soul mate or romantic partner but for some it truly is just a means of entertainment, excitement or a relationship for short term pleasure. So avoid getting involved with a dater who is on a shopping spree.
- Long distance relations- Online dating doesn’t necessarily gives you an opportunity to personally meet with your date. As a result of this you end up eventually getting emotionally close and thus in a long distance commitment with someone. Such relationships are always bound to be a victim to the unavoidable thoughts of infidelity or commitment seriousness on the other side. Thus distances usually result in such relationships being short lived.
- A rarely pondered fact associated with being attracted to someone through an online dating site is the understanding of the type of attraction. Usually the two people fail to understand the type of attraction they bear for each other, whether it’s an external attraction based on the physical and financial attributes or an emotional attraction based on understanding or an internal attraction based on trust and faith. This is to conclude that a love or a romantic relationship is a serious matter and not supposed to be played with casually on any dating site.
- Communication Differences- It is a fact that an online conversation cannot beat personal conversation. Talking to someone you intend to have romantic relation with, is more effective when done personally. The emotional values attached to your conversations are best delivered personally than online.
Tips For A Successful Online Dating
If you are new to online dating, then follow the following tips to have successful time ahead:
- Prefer registering yourself on a better professional website.
- Use presentable picture of yourself that represent the actual you and not an extensively beautified version of you. Make sure to write in your profile what defines you the best rather than embellishing your details.
- Try conversing or writing to the people who are looking for someone like yourself.
- Do not tease someone whom you don’t intend to get along with. Such playful act might lead to embarrassment for both you and him/her.
- When trying to start a conversation, come up with good questions instead of the flirtatious ones.
- If someone has not replied to you then stop bothering. Messaging every now and then without the other person reverting back is like stalking him/her.
- Avoid sharing explicit photographs or details however close you might feel with a him/her.
Cyber crimes seem to be taking a toll and is nothing new to the internet world. It is always advisable to refrain from sharing any personal pictures or videos while on a dating site or any other site, since these can be hacked and misused by the cyber thugs. The personal information can be easily hacked by hackers online. Such cases have now become very common however hard the cyber police might be trying combat such issues.
How To Recognise Online Dating Scam Artist
If someone you have been chatting with on an online dating site asks for the following then he/she is probably a scam artist-
- He/She tries to convince you to chat through a personal email id instead of the dating website you are registered on;
- Presents glamorous images of himself/herself;
- Instantly expresses his/her romantic feelings for you;
- Plans to pay a visit to you but then cancels giving some excuses like a tragic happening;
- Asks for monetary assistance due to a medical or financial restraint.
Wishing for a romantic relationship is not wrong. You might find your perfect love online or while making that trip to the nearby grocers. All you need to be is more careful and less impatient.
Love can be expressed in a myriad of different methods, but the most timeless and most treasured will always remain the classic love letter.
― Auliq Ice
Relationship math suggests that It is rare for two people to enter marriage and one person is to blame for everything that goes wrong.
― Johnnie Dent Jr.
Marriage without troubles is something that doesn’t exist. All relationships have issues which needs a proper guidance and not the dose of temperament or ego. Everyone wants a romance like Romeo and Juliet, but guys and girls, had they got a chance to get married, they too would have walked on few marital thorns you see! Previously the matters concerning break ups and divorce and their impact on children have been intensively dealt with. What is rarely discussed is the right time to approach a therapist to mend your relation that’s falling apart. Following is an in depth glance in the same.
When troubles arise in the paradise, there are times when things might fly beyond your reach and it is then that a professional help or opinion is the solution.
Why Do Relationships Fail ?
Apart from some obvious respective reasons for a troublesome marriage such as financial issues, responsibility issues etc. there exist some rare reasons of a disrupting marriage too.
- The Great Expectations- Aah, that’s not just the name of a novel ! When your expectations are crossing bounds or aren’t genuine, problems crop up. Similarly, when your expectations, the arguable ones have been left neglected or unfulfilled, there rings the trouble bell.
- Disagreements- “Anything you say my love”, “You name it, and you have it sweetheart” and all the sugar coated things you said to each other soon turn into, “Come on, how unreasonable can you be at times!”, “Let’s not take that up every now and then!”, “Hear yourself! I don’t agree with you!” and so on. Trouble’s home!
- No Communication- When your relationship becomes communique deficient, it needs the necessary nutrition of time together. Lack of communication is one of the most seen obvious reasons for a relationship going fowl. In this world where everyone is busy running at a fast pace to make as much money as possible, one probably forgets to use what is earned, as a result of which the personal life gets zeroed by professional fuss.
- Health issues/responsibility factor- Sometimes, one of the partners might be affected by some health issue on a regular basis or might suffer some sort of disease which requires extra support and look after. This can be called as situational imposition of extra responsibilities. But in such cases, where it shouldn’t be taken as a burden, it is usually taken that way itself. This acts as a spark for bigger arguments or disturbances.
To Consult A Relationship Therapist or Counsellor Or Not
When certain issues go out of your abilities to mend or settle, a professional help is required. Surprisingly, according to the statistical data, where in countries like US couples readily approach marriage counsellors, in countries like India, it seems to be considered the rarest of the solutions. In my personal opinion, a couple accepts counselling as a solution only when they really are into the relation and would do all that it takes to bring it back on tracks. But sadly divorce seems to be an easier option with the current generation than working upon ways to ensure togetherness.
Coming back to the subject, let’s dwell upon why the therapists or counsellors are required in mending any relation. When we talk about relationship therapist or counsellor, kindly do not mistake them to be psychologists. You are perfectly fine. But at some point in any relationship or marriage, love fades away, and staying together turns into an unescapable duty. At this point of time, some altercations are required in the thinking process of the two people in the marital relation or commitment.
How Does A Marriage Counselling Helps?
The job of a marriage counsellor is to understand the weakness of a relationship and assist in reconciling the two people in commitment. It may vary from a short term counselling to a long term counselling comprising of multiple sessions.
- When a couple is really willing to give in their best to reconcile, the counselling acts as a motivation and thus ideas presented are accepted and absorbed in a positive manner.
- Surprisingly, the faded communication between a couple can be retrieved with the help of counselling.
- In many cases, such a field or an unbiased territory also helps the couple to share their thoughts regarding mending the relationship by keeping aside their baggage of grievances with each other. So, basically, it acts as a grounds for presentation of personal thoughts without impoliteness or arguments.
- With the help of the therapist, a couple can delve upon various possible ways to adopt in order to bring their marriage back in a good shape.
- Usually couple end up arguing on their respective complaints. But in the presence of a therapist, the two would instead discuss their respective reasons for ending the marriage. This can further help the couple to understand the weak areas and to mend by overcoming or rectifying the weaknesses instead of simply ending the marriage.
- Counselling helps both the partners to present their version of the story without any interruptions or arguments.
When To Seek Relationship/Marriage Counselling?
If you are witnessing hurdles in your relationship, and it seems to be falling apart, you do all it takes to stay in it. Don’t be dual minded if you think that a professional guidance would be helpful. To assist you regarding the same, following are the reasons when you ought to seek a counsellor-
- Lack of communication or a conversation gap which is ever increasing can truly take a lot of efforts to come back to normal. Unknowingly, couple tend to move apart due to lack of conversation and quality time with each other. Situations cannot be mended without being discussed with ample time and patience. You need to make sure to give enough time every day to your partner and vice versa. Don’t forget that despite of the same professional commitments you both had dated and given enough time to togetherness as to be able to commit to each other. So what has changed now? A want of more money or a constant hunger for professional excellence?
- Extra marital affairs are often a reason for breaking of any relation. But a partner doesn’t step outside of a marriage because it’s a hobby! 90 % of the time a married or committed male or female goes ahead with an extra marital affair because he/she is mentally and emotionally distraught with hopelessness. But such affairs are never the solution as they are merely a step towards break up. Overcoming a previous extra marital affair can be difficult for both the partners, the one who has committed and the one who has been betrayed. In such cases, counselling might be required. But a positive understanding from both the partners in such a matter might be truly helpful. An affair outside marriage is wrong, but the reasons behind it cannot be neglected and thus needs to be given a little thought. The hurt feelings of the betrayed are correct and understandable, but when relationships do not break randomly. Situations force each partner to take respective steps, sometimes acceptable, at times completely unacceptable. But a little bit of patience and understanding might serve to mend things. In such cases, it takes longer time to bring back a marriage on track, but if one truly wants to stay in the marriage, nothing’s stopping him/her!
- A lousy love life is a reason always ignored. With time, romance dwindles and children, job, finances and everything but romance, takes a front seat in your marriage. It is never felt though, but remains to be the main culprit of a marriage running towards ruins. When romance becomes blur, the romantic sight can be brought back to work by a professional guidance. Ways to reignite the love and romance are discussed and recommended in counselling sessions. These ways truly do wonders in saving a marriage.
- Knowing the reasons of discord is like conquering half the territory, it is to know the ways to solve those issues which is the ultimate goal. But most of the times, understanding the ways to resolve the matter is out of a couple’s capability. But it certainly isn’t impossible. With the help of a counsellor this can too be conquered. In such cases, saving a marriage is not a tough job since the both the people in commitment recognize the reasons of estrangement quite well.
Whether you are into a new commitment in relationship or a love marriage or an arranged marriage, it’s going to be a ride full of bumps. But escaping is never a solution. If the commitment at all means something to either of you, then you must keep trying to keep the discords at bay or well handled. After all, it takes a soul mate to complete you!
Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years
Relationships form the most important part every human’s life. We make relations, carry them forth, nurture them, live together and so on. But same relations sometimes suffer failures. In the articles before, a lot has been discussed and advised with regards to love, romance, marriage and reasons for a failing relation. We havetalked about the ways to terminate a relationship, dealing with a divorce and much more. This piece of write up would be dealing with something entirely new as well as of an immense importance- the effect of divorce upon children.
Falling in love and then committing to each other is the most beautiful chapter in a relationship which is replete with countless promises, expectations and dreams to live ahead. But not all relations apparently land up being successful. Whatever the reasons tend to be, some relationships are weak and often end up in separation or divorce.
Most Common Reasons For Divorce
From a bad temperament to infidelity, separation can be due to many common reasons. Some of the most recurrent causes of a relationship going bitter to the extremes as separation are:
- Trust deficit- Lack of trust in your partner could be either on the pretext of you being right on doubting him/her owing to his/her nature or character or it could be simply because you have an over reacting nature. In the former case, you must either give chance of separation might actually be the positive step. But in the latter case, you might end up being the spoil sport in your relation.
- Finances- May be on the onset of a relations when everything is lovey dovey and seems promising, finances are not so important to you, but it still remains vital to be considered. Future prospects should be decided according to the financial possibilities or rather capabilities. The consistent arguments on money is a very common cause of a bad relation.
- Impolite Behaviour- Lack of politeness or a bad temper is acceptable if it is not constant and is situational. But if rudeness conquers your nature then unknowingly or knowingly, you tend to become intolerable for your spouse or partner. Being chivalrous and genteel is nothing but a positive score for a happy relationship.
- Self Identity- Well, this point goes specially for all the ambitious women out there. Ladies, love is important and truly magnificent, but if you have your own set of ambitions then reconsider your decision on the following context-
- Be clear with your beloved about your aims and goals with respect to career.
- If you wish to work and build a career post marriage, make sure your partner is not fussy about it.
- If he is not comfortable about your career then it’s for you to contemplate which one to go for. Because, there is no point of creating a furore later when things can be clarified beforehand.
- In very rare cases, men act in affirmation with regards to their partners career post commitment, but change when the relationship is taken for granted. In such a case, you must put forward your point.
- Domestic violence- This is a serious matter. Any kind of physical, emotional or mental violence needs to be reported instantly. To keep giving in to any cruelty is truly a foolish step.
- Infidelity- Last but not the least, infidelity is in most of the marriages or relationships, the main reason for separation. Whether it’s an arranged marriage or love marriage, being loyal to your partner is of utmost importance. Before stepping ahead onto the path of carnal pleasures outside marriage, imagining yourself in your partner’s position and soon you would realise the negative impact of it.
Self identity is good, but do not forget that relations are important too, not equally but a bit more than career.
Effect Of Separation or Divorce on Children
Children are known to be the most splendid gift in a relationship. They are those beautiful souls, who do not plead to come into existence, but two people in love and commitment bring them to life. It is therefore utmost duty of both the parents to be equally responsible for their upbringing. But, obviously, looking at the ever increasing divorce rates, children have just become a prop in a marriage. If you are having troubles in your relationship and are seriously giving the idea of separation a thought, then the facts below are for your consideration, may be not for you, but for your children-
- Every child looks upon his parents as his role models. But the loss of love between the parents are not unseen by the child. If you believe that you are able to hide the differences between you and your partner, then you are mistaken!
- Shaken trust- A child depends completely on his parents. But the mere thought of possible separation makes him the most insecure being, since he loses his trust on whether he should depend on any one of you. Basically, you lose your worth in front of your child, however bitter or unacceptable it might sound.
- You might successfully convince your child with your necessity to get divorced, but it would be truly imprudent of you to challenge your child’s expectations. Even post divorce the only thing that your child would ever dream of or think of would be to see his mother and father together again.
- Lack of socialization- Divorce or a disturbed relation between parents can lead to the child’s disinterestedness in mingling in the society. It is mainly due to the fear of or experience of bitter comments from the friends.
- Behavioural changes are one of the major transformations that a child goes through post divorce of his parents. And sadly, such changes are either ignored or never attributed to the original reasons. A child may become introvert or might become impolite and rude or even insensitive to other’s feelings. Since such changes are brought in by the personal life’s consequences, these do remain unamendable till long.
- Crying spells- If your child is ever happy and smiling when with you, don’t be fooled. You never know how much tears your child has shed digging in his face in the pillow. Mercy is the word people!
- Separations affects the overall academic development of your child. It puts a bad influence on your child’s concentration as well.
How To Save Your Marriage From Falling Apart?
So far, the importance of saving the marriage has been discussed considering the two people in relationship. But now, it is with due attention to the children involved as sufferers of divorce. Following ways could help you mend your relationship with your partner as well as help you understand what your child sees you as:
- If you as a father/mother think that you alone can bring up your child, then exercise this- a) take your child out with you for some fun and frolic and notice his/her expressions and happiness; b) Take your partner and your child out for a day long fun filled family outing and notice your child’s expressions and behaviour. Undoubtedly, the happiness content in your child is more in the latter case.
- Avoid fights in front of your kids or in your kids’ presence, not to necessarily take it up, but to use it as a way to decrease your arguments. Such a step might successfully bring down the frequency of your arguments with your spouse.
- Not every subject in a marriage is a subject of argument. There is something called patience. If both partner compromise and adjust in some issues giving up their egos, arguments can surely be decreased.
The consequences of marital disarrays are bad or even worse for children of all age. But a true sense of responsibility towards any relation and children can surely bring down the discord in any relationships. It is after all not a single handed job, but an effort demanded and expected out of two people in relation. A quote that would say it all in few words is as below:
But in the real world, you couldnt really just split a family down the middle, mom on one side, dad the other, with the child equally divided between. It was like when you ripped a piece of paper into two: no matter how you tried, the seams never fit exactly right again. It was what you couldn’t see, those tiniest of pieces, that were lost in the severing, and their absence kept everything from being complete.
―Sarah Dessen,What Happened to Goodbye
Relationships need nurturing, compromises and adjustments; the string once broken is unmendable.
Falling in love and committing to be with him/her forever might be the easiest thing, it is the carrying on of that relation successfully that matters. In the past articles much has been discussed on the subject of various facets of a couple’s relation. This write up emphasises upon the factor which are responsible for gradually taking a relation from good to bad to worse and surprisingly, he/she is not aware of such budding reasons.
Proposal – Commitment
A heart’s extensive liking for someone is governed by the psychology of attraction. Why do we like someone so much that we decide upon spending our whole life with him/her? The subject might seem a little complex for our understanding, but the following facts might open the doors to a simpler analysis of this:
- Behavioural similarities- If you find attracted towards that guy you have been conversing with on some random occasions, then don’t be surprised! It’s most likely your recognition of his nature and likes or dislikes going hand in hand with yours. As a result of which you tend to feel inclined towards him which soon turns into an attraction, perhaps mutual.
- Humour- A strong sense of humour is always attractive both for a man and for a woman.
- Comfort zone- Everyone has some comfort zone. When in the initial stages of knowing one another, it is important to give eachother some space or to respect eachother’s area of comfort. When this is done and felt by one another, it surely promises attraction.
- Being honest- It is vital for any relation to be pursued honestly. And making up behaviour to please someone is never long lasting. How true you are being about yourself while with her really shows up crystal clear in your dialogues and acts. It is known that a woman finds honesty as the most attractive trait in a guy she would fall for.
Various events gradually lead to a couple from friendship to liking eachother and soon the commitment. But not all are aware that the main definition of a relation begins on the onset of commitment! It is then that one’s understanding of the relation comes into light.
Relationships – Post Commitment/Marriage
Not every relation is a fairy tale. Infact, it really takes a lot of efforts and understanding to make it beautiful Usually, after committing into a relation, the two people are more busy in one consideration, i.e. fulfilment of expectations. Pre commitment promises raise the post commitment expectations. But it is very important to understand that presuppositions really need to be put in the back seat. Three faces of a relation after marriage or allegiance are:
- A successful relation with equal efforts from the counterparts- When both man and the woman in a relationship endeavour to put te essence of adjustment and compromises in the relation, it is bound to be success.
- A successful relation with efforts from one of the counterparts- Taking your counterpart for granted could perhaps be a big mistake. Not that it would end your relationship, but it puts an extensive pressure of continual giving ins and forced or unaccepted one sided innurements on him/her. This might keep the relation steady and roses for the outer world, but it is not really hunky dory inside.
- A failed relations due to zero struggle to keep the relationship steady- Ego clashes and over expectations govern the failed relationships. When the two people in a relation disagree continually on everything, it raises arguments and thus slowly gears up the separation.
How Do Relationships Fail? – Signs
No relationship fails instantly. It takes a lot of reasons to weaken a relation and astonishingly, not every time the victims are aware of what is coming ahead for them. Things develop slowly and eventually take a leap to make it worse in a relationship. Following are some of the facts you might want to ponder upon:
- Disagreement- A difference of opinion or a debate in a good sense is healthy for a relation. But the same distinct outlooks or perceptions can lead to arguments. There is nothing bad in respecting your counterpart’s stance of a certain subject in discussion. But when there is an overpowering of self perceptions on him/her, there is bound to be egocentric arguments. And worst of it is that such instances become a regular practice leading to the doom of te relation.
- Lack of Tolerance- When you feel that it’s becoming tougher to be around each other, it means you need to check on your relationship. Uncontrolled negative thoughts evoking when your spouse is around you suggests that your relation demands repairs. For a healthy relation, your partner’s thought must not deflate your mood, it should rather be cheering you up!
- Fading Understanding- When you lose a comprehension of each other, the appreciation for each other dies too. As a result of which the physical, emotional as well as mental distance between the two people in relation starts increasing. When the soul mates become strangers, it’s time to refurbish the most important aspect, understanding!
- Disinterestedness- Do you don’t feel attracted towards each other lately? The absence of a want of each other is a serious set back in any relation. At such a stage you would find yourself searching for chances to avoid each other’s company rather than to wish for the same.
- No Romance- Apart from the emotional closeness, a relationship demands physical togetherness too. Romance needs to be rekindled in any couple’s relationship. Whether you go for a drive together or dinners, every small step taken to be together counts to bring things back on track. Escape, not from each other but with each other, and see the lost romance blooming again.
How To Bring The Romance Back In Relationship?
Dwindling romance is not uncommon. It exists in all the couple relationships. But no doubt it needs to be fuelled with some spiced up ways. Here are some promising ways to bring that lost spark back into the groove:
- Togetherness- Take some good amount of time out with your better half. Trekking on a lovely Sunday morning, dining out in your favourite restaurant, pleasing each other with gifts are some of the must try ideas.
- If you have been sleeping apart, then it’s time to come a little closer! Actually start sleeping close with each other and see the wonders it does to your declining romance.
- Who said dating is meant for courtship period! Start dating just like old times and see for yourself that the time was never a past. Dating helps to remind you of all the reasons you fell for each other, the beautiful reasons for your commitment to each other.
- Arguments happen in every relation. Both counterparts must speak and present their respective views. But it is important to keep two things into consideration, firstly, be polite when expressing yourself even if it is to counter your partner’s opinion. Secondly, be courteous enough to respect what your partner opines about the subject in discussion.
- If you didn’t realize this before, then here is to tell you that there are not one, two but numerous ways to spice up your bedroom life! Add a hint of playful pleasure with some adult toys to your intimate sessions. A little laughter, some tickles, some teasing and lots love are going to together set the fire of lust and love on a high! So what’s the waiting for?
- Believe it or not, but shower time could really be turned into a dirty shower time! Get sensual in the bathroom, an shower together! See the magic begin with bonding in the bathroom!
- Plan a honeymoon holiday! What’s better than a romantic holiday, just like you did when you got hooked up!
- Surprises can be fun. Astonish your beloved with flowers without any occasion, or a movie, or a spa and returns are really going to surprise you.
- What about doing some random crazy stuff! Text each other with some intimate messages whether you are apart or right besides each other. Acting ridiculous together can really be the real fun at times.
Relationships, whether love or marriage are really meant to be nurtured with the manure of trust, faith, love and affection. And these come with togetherness. A one sided approach cannot take the relation too far. Step onto the path of mending your broken relation and relish the wonders of the mentioned ways above. It’s never too late to try and bring back the real romantic hours into a relation and make it the strongest and everlasting ones ever.
Every couple has ups and downs, every couple argues, and that’s the thing—you’re a couple, and couples can’t function without trust.
-Nicholas Sparks,At First Sight
Emma was still deep in thought over the man from her dreams. She couldn’t believe he actually approached her the way he did, and directly in front of her own apartment even.
“Why didn’t you ask him out?”
“Hilana, I could barely keep myself together let alone try to see if he was willing to date me. He caught me completely off guard. All I could think about was getting inside my apartment.”
“I can’t believe he finally approached you and you choked.”
“Emma.” Mr. Peters was walking toward them from the gallery and the closer he got the more frazzled he looked. “I need you. I have two deliveries due today and only one driver, who is apparently too incompetent to schedule two deliveries on completely opposite sides of the city. I know you’ve never delivered for me before but I’ll have Joe help you with the preparation and give you directions on where to go.”
“Okay, anything you need.”
“Oh, Emma. You’re a life saver.” He put his hand on mine and bowed toward me. “Follow me and I’ll show you the pieces. I’ll let you have the choice on where you want to go.”
Emma was excited. She loved her job but being stuck in the museum every day sometimes got cumbersome and she always looked forward to change. She was the one who always went to pick up lunch and run errands for others.
“I’d have you do them both but they are in separate directions and are both due to be delivered by the end of the day.” Mr. Peters walked up to a statue and leaned against it as if it was an everyday piece of furniture.
Emma’s eyes grew wide when she looked at the sold tag tied to it. ‘Sold: $1,250,000′. She backed up a couple of steps and wanted to pull the manager away from it.
“This one goes to Mr. and Mrs. Johanna in Hempstead. You will need to wrap it and get it ready for shipment and I’ll have Joe help you load it.”
“Okay” was all she could say. She just wanted to get away from it for fear of Mr. Peters tipping it over and breaking it. She wanted no part of that. “Where is the other piece?” She said as she quickly walked away from the statue.
“The other delivery is over here.” She followed him to another room in the museum. “This painting needs to go to Secaucus over in Jersey.” Emma looked at the painting as she felt some of the energy drain out of her body. It was the one with the symbols.
“Emma?” Mr. Peters was snapping his fingers directly in front of her face. “Emma, are you alright?”
She shook her head and realized she had zoned out. She snapped back to reality and looked at him.
“I’ll take this piece.”
“Very well. I’ll radio Joe and tell him to help you get it wrapped and ready for delivery. Here is the paperwork. Make sure you get a signature and proper spelling of the name.” She nodded and he walked away. Emma looked back at the painting as if it wanted to pull her in.
Pulling the delivery truck up to the residence she looked over the paperwork to be sure she was at the right place. The apartment was up on the fifth floor and she prayed for an elevator. She walked to the door, found a panel to the side of the door and pressed the buzzer labeled R. Kohn.
She heard a beep but nothing else. “Um, hello. I’m from the Museum in Manhattan. I have a delivery for an R. Kohn?”
She heard the door latch release and she reached over and opened the door. Inside the lobby was quite elaborate and smelled sweet like honeysuckle. She went inside and found the elevator. Propping the front door open she went to the truck and obtained the painting. It was rather large but not too heavy so she just took her time and carried it in.
By the time she got the painting on the elevator and up to the fifth floor she was perspiring a bit. She stopped in front of apartment 511 and just before she knocked on the door she heard a man’s voice from inside. She pressed her ear to the door and stayed silent.
“Come inside please.”
Emma turned the door knob and slowly pushed it open. The main room was dimly lit with the only light shining through the cracks in the curtains. She hesitated before going in.
“I have your painting, um” she looked at the paperwork for his name. Seeing just a first initial she had no choice to keep it formal, “Mr. Kohn.”
“Yes, you do.” She couldn’t see him but looked along the wall for a wall switch. “Would you please turn the lights on so I can come in?”
As if by cue the lights slowly lit brighter and softened the room. Emma stepped inside a few more steps with the painting shielding her from the room.
“Come in, please. I’ve been looking forward to my delivery.”
“If you could please sign my papers I can leave it with you and be on my way.”
“Bring it to me. I’m a bit consumed by my activities at the moment.”
Emma entered the room and looked around the wall as she came to the end of the small foyer hallway. A man was sitting at a large mahogany desk facing a very large window on the far wall. He was typing avidly on his computer with his back to her. She slowly approached him with her clipboard and pen in hand. Just as she conveniently cleared her throat the man turned around.
Emma gasped and stepped back a couple of steps.
“You?” She was very confused. It was the man from the hallway in her apartment just the night before, the same man who made her feel very uncomfortable on a whim. Emma had a feeling this was just way too coincidental.
“Hello again.” His smile was brilliant and his confidence started breaking her down again.
She jetted the clip board toward him
“Please sign the bottom.”
Still staring at her and smiling he took the clip board and used his own pen to write his name.
“Thank you. Have a nice day.” She turned quickly and walked across the room toward the door.
She couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Then she remembered what Hilana said. ‘Why not ask him out? He is your dream guy.’ Emma stopped and turned around.
“I know this might sound a bit unethical, but…would you like to go out sometime, like I dunno, a movie?”
“No.” He just shook his head a bit and sat there still staring at her. The whole act threw Emma completely off. She didn’t know how to respond.
“Oh…um…ok, sorry.” She turned and walked very quickly toward the door. The heat from her embarrassment grew quickly in her cheeks and spread throughout her body. Before she reached the door he spoke again.
“I’m a little upset with you.” She turned back around and looked at him.
He cocked his head and stood up.
“You heard me.”
“Why are you upset with me?” Emma was getting angry. How dare he!
“You haven’t been wearing your necklace I sent you.” He sat on the edge of his desk.
Emma’s mouth dropped open. She couldn’t believe the man she fantasized about was the same man she has been getting notes and gifts from. Her heart started beating very fast. Realizing she was standing there with her mouth open she quickly shut it as he slowly walked toward her staring at her the whole way.
“You are the mystery man?”
“I am.” He slid his arm around her neck and pulled her into him.
“But, why? You knew I was attracted to you. You aren’t the type to play games and I know you are the kind of man who goes after what he wants.”
“You’re stubborn just like the Virgo you are and the Scorpio part of me likes to be in control. When a relationship gets comfortable it goes stale, at least for me it does, and I end it without even trying. A woman doesn’t hold my attention for very long. I have wanted you for a long time Emma and I want you to be in my life for a long time. I don’t want things to get comfortable and if I have anything to do with it” he grabbed a handful of her hair and pulled her down. Bending down with her he stopped, his lips barely touching hers, “they won’t.” His kiss was all consuming and it spread a heat through Emma that she has never felt before. “Tell me Emma.” He kissed her again. She could barely take a breath. “Tell me you’re mine.”
He glared into her eyes and without hesitation she breathed.
In many cultures of the world, societies still look at disabled people as something of an “other” and alienate them. Then, how can one date a disabled person in such an environment? Like always, your relationship expert is here to help!
Dating with disability
Being disabled should not mean being disqualified from having access to every aspect of life.
When you go to date with someone, have a dinner, movie or a drink at a fancy place. The conversation is flowing; he/she is funny and smart with the great personality. This is just type of person you always imagined you’d fall in love with. Imagine, if this person has a disability, will it put you off? Keep in mind that if you are just going to say yes for the sake of pity, then don’t. The last thing anyone would want is a pity date. Not only are you being deceitful but this would end up in a mess that would hurt you and the person as well, if not more so. It is better to tell the truth now than to be hurt over lies in the future. However if you are someone who is absolutely sure that your feelings won’t move and can have a normal relationship with a disability, then you are about to find most intriguing people in the world.
A relationship between a disabled and able bodied person
In many cultures, disabled people are treated as someone only to be cared for. They are looked as people who will never achieve things as a normal person or adapt to environment as an able bodied person. Many of such pre assumptions, however are not true for everyone, every once in a while, we see a disabled person doing and living a normal life and in some cases even going beyond what a normal person can achieve. What’s worse is that due to society treating, some disabled people as ‘damaged goods’ would led the person to believe it themselves which may reduce their self-esteem. Many of such people would then limit themselves, because those around them would discourage them.
Cultural influence of how they perceive relationships
People presume my disability has to do with being an amputee, but that’s not the case; our insecurities are our disabilities, and I struggle with those as does everyone.
– Aimee Mullins
Disabled people are treated differently from culture to culture. In many they are sidelined by the society where they are ignored by the general public. In many cultures where physical capability is put on the highest regard, in such environment a disabled person will be shunned as alien. However, in many they are not as neglected and don’t have to hide behind their physical disability.
In such environment it is relatively easier for such a relationship to prosper. Even though society may not be the deciding factor if two people should be dating or not, it obviously affects the people brought in such cultures. This in turn affects the individual’s thinking on how they perceive someone with disability and a relationship with someone disabled.
Some people may even be prone to say what would be considered inappropriate to say to a disabled person. Like comment on music preference to a deaf person, or ask about beautifulpainting to a blind person. These comments may not be intentionally meant to harmful, just mistakes due to awkwardness. Many disabled people however experience many such comments every day, so they often are forgiving. While dating, these awkward incidents may happen a lot especially for someone who has never been with a disabled person before.
Just like everyone
The only disability in life is a bad attitude.
- John Hamilton
Many people say that they don’t know how to interact with a disabled person. The truth of the matter is that they are just like any person you met in your life. Although, this is obvious, it is unfortunate how many people are ignorant that, disabled people just like anyone have the same desires and wishes when it comes to dating. More so, they go through many difficulties and challenges which normally person would not have to go through. Even if the disability is physical, there is a lot of emotional trauma that they have to overcome. With all the additional things to worry about, what with emotional and cultural issues, they just want a normal relationship
“Seeing past” the disability
Many a times, this is term is thrown off whenever dating between a disabled and able person is talked about. Somehow people find this a “novelty” that two such people would be in a relationship. Nothing however could be more hurtful, than saying that a person is able to look ‘beyond’ their disability. This means that the person has not accepted the other fully. Why do you have to look ‘beyond’ when whatever the person may have is a part of their life?Whatever challenges life has put them through, they have gained strength from those experiences that they normally wouldn’t have. If you value their uniqueness, then know that the disability may have bought them great pains but also made them who they are, so if you were to accept them, accept them fully as a person.
Sexuality and Disability
I hate the words ‘handicapped’ and ‘disabled’. They imply that you are less than whole. I don’t see myself that way at all.
– Aimee Mullins
This is an issue that is overlooked the most. Especially in cultures where sex is in itself a topic much not discussed about openly and viewed as something ‘dirty’. The negative attitude about the aspect of sexuality among the disabled that ranges from discomfort to disgust in the attitudes of people affect the person and how they view sexuality. In fact chose to willfully ignorant, and believe that those with disabled bodies don’t have the urge or any interest in sex; that they don’t derive any pleasure from it. Further, many are of the opinion that disabled people do not wish to have children or they may be incapable of providing for one. All of these opinions however are never from a disabled’s perspective. They are just presumptions which no one ever speaks about or discusses. It is considered a taboo subject which is locked away in the highest drawer never to be spoken about or actually asked to a disabled person about.
This stigma has both cultural and biological roots of reason. The concept of survival of the species maybe have been the reason why avoiding sexual relationship with someone disable would have made sense. Our society however no longer depends upon the notion of able bodied being the fittest to provide, the outlook therefore must also be changed with time, which unfortunately has not much changed in centuries.
Society in general have always viewed disabled people as some not adequate and thus many cultures always see them as a dependent person who would always be found wanting in the ‘standards’ of those physically able. Due to the social stigmatization, they are perceived as sexually inadequate.
The society may have improved a lot upon their outlook, but there is still reluctance in most to have a committed relationship with a disabled person. More than a physically disabled, there is more hesitation when it comes to dating a person who might have psychological issues.
Concerns about sexuality with disabled person
In most cases a disable person may have to adjust and have different needs regarding their limitations when it concerns to participating in sexual activity. It is better if the partners have a talk between them about what is comfortable and not comfortable, so that there is no issue of miscommunication. In many cases the subject is left unspoken and ignored which may create misunderstandings and sometimes even avoidance of engaging in sexual activity in the first place.
Relationship with a newly disabled person
My disability has opened my eyes to see my true abilities.
-Robert M. Hensel
A person who is born with a disability is very different from a person who had a recent trauma. A newly disabled person is not used to the limitations that are now imposed on them. This may create body image issues and low esteem, sometimes even depression.
If you already have been dating a person who has been suffered from an accident recently, know that it will be difficult path ahead. Therefore, you would need to mentally strong and prepared for what is to come. The newly disabled would go through periods of confusion, anger, sadness and grief. You as a partner therefore must take in charge and learn to process it emotionally and physically as well.
Do not however stay with the person for pity’s sake before abandonment, which would be worse as being deceitful.
After the lot of talk that we have been doing about exes, we shouldn’t be leaving this one out. So, you are chatting on facebook with your ex? Now, this is utterly confusing a situation, isn’t it? It didn’t work out the first time you were in a long distance relationship and here you are, happily chatting away with your ex like that time never existed. However, once the thought crops up in your mind, it is often confusing what you are doing here and why on earth are you chatting with your ex. This is really crazy now, isn’t it! Your relationship expert is here to help as usual!
She affected me, even when she was absent.
―Shannon A. Thompson
So, practically speaking, you shouldn’t be talking to your ex, h/she is your ‘ex’ after all but who said love had anything to do with practicality. It is the most impractical thing one has ever heard, isn’t it? When has love been logical and realistic? Love is as emotional as it can get.
Hence, don’t you take a practical decision when it comes to love but at the same time; don’t be completely illogical about it either. Love is always tricky and it gets even trickier when long distance comes into picture. While it sounds amazing to say, distance makes the heart grow fonder, too much distance isn’t good for health either. It might just ruin the relationship for all you know. So, how do you handle staying in a long distance relationship with your ex? Here are a few tips to help you survive –
Let’s be clear
Don’t assume things and don’t let the other party assume things either. If there is confusion or if things are unclear, it would be nice to clear the air as soon as possible. You don’t want to find yourself in a relationship after you have fallen in love with another guy/girl.
Walk out if need be
Yes, it might be hard to walk out a second time but if that is the need of the day, do so. You will have to steel yourself like crazy when doing this. Otherwise, you may end up in this clumsy relationship for the rest of your life and that isn’t a space anyone ought to be looking for. If the casual yet flirty chatting isn’t making you happy, you have every right to walk out on the other person. Of course, you let them know about it.
As far as possible, keep it to friendship. After all, you didn’t axe them for nothing. Remember why you called it off with them every time you feel close and it will be easier to keep yourself in place. After all, the bottom line is that the person you are chatting to is your ex, which means you are no longer dating them, then why should you be blushing at their chats! Keep yourself in check about this as far as possible. Or else, you will have a crash landing sooner or later.
Now, while you may have cleared out of your just chatting phase, there is still bound to be a lot of confusion even if you have decided to continue as friends, as partners or you have walked out on him/her. Each case will have its own problems and of course, its own solutions. Here are a few tips that will help you through these phases.
If you have decided to stay friends, you should
- Stick to it
This is very important. Keep the conversation casual. Do not go back and forth between relationship statuses, do not flirt. First, talk about general things and then, slowly come around talking about whatever is going on in your life. It might take you a while to get to normal but once you settle in, things will smoothen out.
- No sex
Of course, when it is long distance, you can’t have sex anyway. Sex obviously means sending dirty pictures or cam sex but well, let’s face it, you don’t have sex with your friends unless you have some spoken or unspoken friends with benefits kind of arrangement. Hence, don’t give sex so casually, you will end up being taken for granted. Of course, if you want to do it and you are unstoppable, what can anyone do about it then?
- No accepting expensive gifts
It is a fact that the gifts that your boyfriend sends you and the gifts that you receive from your friends are far apart from each other. Hence, do not accept expensive gifts from your ex if you have lain down the just friends rule. If you cannot give it back immediately, tell them that you intend to give it back to them as and when possible.
- Do not visit each other
This is a definite. If you are visiting each other from 7 seas apart, then stop hanging on to the just friends tag. You don’t go so far for friends. It is important that you know where you stand as partners or as friends. Thus, as tempting as it may be, don’t go to visit your long distance ex. After all, who goes to visit their ex from a long distance relationship?
Now, that was about being friends but what if you decide to run a second innings of your relationship? Do you think you could survive that or you think you have made a mistake? Here are a few tips that will help you battle this one out –
If you have decided to stay in a relationship, you should
- Stick to it
Yes, the number one rule to all cases is the same. You absolutely have to stick to your decision. Given that it is a long distance relationship and there is no dearth of young people around you who may be interested in you, it might be hard to stay loyal but if you have decided upon something; do it with complete honesty and if you can’t, you really don’t deserve to be a part of the relationship.
- Not have casual sex with other people
Now, it is natural to be frustrated when you are far apart from your bf or gf but what can you do about it? You can indulge as much as technology allows but you can’t go further than that. Obviously, you want more and you have to wait until you can see your partner. Now, if you have committed yourself to a relationship, don’t give in to temptation. It is not going to take you anywhere and it might totally ruin your so very hopeful second innings with the man/woman you love.
- Flirt casually
A teeny bit of flirting with your partner or with others is extremely healthy. It not only keeps you happy but also makes you feel perky all the time. Thus, a little flirting here and there has never hurt anyone. Indulge as freely as you want into it.
Lastly and most importantly, if you have walked out on your ex, it will have its own complications as well. This is the most difficult scenario of the three and it will take the last bit of your strength to stick to it but you must. As in case of the other two, the first rule of this one is also to stick to it.
As break-ups go, you might feel like texting him or calling him time and again but well, you have to put your bravado facade up and avoid doing it all the time. Remember what Jesus said?
Do not give in to temptation and deliver us from evil.
Stay away from your ex bf/gf and stay happy, stay blessed!
Do everything you can to get away from him or her. Pick up new hobbies, take up a class, go on a holiday, go for a makeover, try out a change of scenario and sooner or later you might start to feel good. After all, long distance or not, no one can steal your life from you, it’s always your own to live and exploit to the fullest!
In one of my past articles we ready discussed about the difference between true love and lust. But If you have ever been in love so passionately, to go over your partners place to check on them, logged in their personal accounts to check any messages from the opposite gender, checked in their cell phones while they weren’t looking or worst yet constantly hover around them, it is possible that you have been in an obsessive infatuation with them.
Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing.
Are you an obsessive lover?
Now my condition’s kind of scary, I need you now. Not love but I need something else. So here’s my confession. This time, this time; don’t just want you to love me. I want to be your obsession.
If you have listened to this catchy song, and understood the lyric, you have a fairly good idea of what obsession is. Now many of us may confuse obsession with clinginess but there is actually vast difference between the two. While clinginess is calling your partner and asking them every five minute what are they doing, obsession is straight up stalk you and look at you as you as you sleep crazy. Many of are appalled when they see someone confess to stalking people on face book and other social networking sites. But in reality, all of are to some degree face book stalkers anyway. Not to the extent of hacking someone’s account, but just enough to satisfy the human nature of curiosity and toe the line between normal and crazy.
Most likely in the case of ex-boyfriends and girlfriends, there is a curiosity to know what they are up to which adds up to the question which all of us want to know is their life better than ours. Human beings are naturally envious of things we don’t have. Even if our life is overall better than someone else’s, there is always one particular thing of them we wish we had. This envy and curiosity is what makes people search about celebrities on gossip sites and other similar websites. But first and foremost Obsessive type of love is particularly felt when its first love. When you first fall in love, there is always a happy sensation of feeling that you wish would last forever. So, some type of behavior that would considered as obsession is in all of us.
The Science of obsessive love
Now, obsessive love might be pleasant at first, just as jealous is thrilling initially, but when the obsessive love crosses the weird line it just might get you arrested.
For most, infatuation is a thing that has already been experienced at some point of their lives. What makes it scary though is that it quite easy to confuse it with love. When we see someone new, and feel ‘butterflies’ in stomach and get shy around someone, it may feel like its first sight love which so many of dramas and novels try to prove is a legit thing. The first sight love, is however very unlikely to be real. You can’t just fall in love with a person without knowing what they are personally like. You may have spotted them here and there and talked to them a few times, the most likely thing was that you were seeing the person through rose tinted glasses, in which their every annoying habit seemed normal to you. This is a time which can also be clinically explained by science. The feelings of euphoria that you get while the relationship is new, is the dopamine produced by the brain which creates cravings also creates feelings of addiction as well. A study conducted at the University of Washington at Seattle, proved the scary truth of being lovesick, in this experiment infatuated people were shown the photos of their beloved and noted a spark of activities in the tiny area known as the mid brain which releases drug like waves of dopamine which is the same reaction that is triggered when a drugs are involved. It’s the brain’s way of a reward system that created happy and more focused energy.
Therefore much like drug addict, it is harder to get over someone if they are truly infatuated or even in love with someone.
I must get my soul back from you; I am killing my flesh without it.
Are you an obsessive lover?
What drives a person to stalk a person for weeks or set up “accidental” meetings and hack up another’s personal accounts? Well, all of things make a good drama, in real life, not so much. It is the truth, that what we see in most of the dramas is not real love but only infatuation. Obviously, stalking someone is not funny nor is it romantic as some movies might lead you to believe.
Relationship experts all over the world may agree that relationships that especially start from such beginnings are doomed to fail. Therefore, expecting a drama like love is itself a foolish thing to desire. On the other many psychologists claim that, although anyone of us might be involved or even be the “obsessive” type for someone, there are certain personality types that are more prone to be obsessive lovers. For example, people who had alcoholic parents and suffered due to lack of concern shown for them during childhood, are more like to be anxious about their partner’s love. No matter who is at fault, such person used to thinking that they are the ones to blame. Such people are more likely to stay in an abusive relationship that any other personality type.
Are you in an obsessive relationship?
Obsessive relationships can be stressful for the partner just as it is difficult as it is for the ones who obsess. Many of them don’t start out to be unhealthy relationship but end up being one. If you feel stressed about your relationship, it may be a pointer that it is unhealthy.
- Smothering relationship
Many of us have at least seen when someone gets too much attached and dependent on the partner. Frequent checkups, hacking Facebook accounts, Whatsapp stalking, leaving constant messages and constantly wondering where their partner at several intervals of time is etc. make a person more suffocated rather than happy.
- Anxious about not offending
You are constantly walking around eggshells to take care that your words do not offend your partner. You know that they have an ability of overstressing to figure out the meaning of your off hand remarks, and are extra careful because of this very reason. You love them and hence do not want to hurt them.
- Instead of finding happiness in company, you feel isolated
Always being away from friends and family is taking a toll on your life. Being with the person you like was pleasant at a time, but with the partner demanding more of time, you feel isolated. You no longer feel good in that someone’s company as they constantly want to be your center of your attention. This is a major flag that you are in an obsessive relationship.
- No “me” time
For some, it is fundamental for their mental wellbeing to want and need some time alone with themselves. This is time they need to concentrates on their hobbies and interests. Healthy relationships inspire you to explore your creativity than damaging it.
- Fights over social interactions
These can turn violent in many cases. Fight about a partner being “too attached” to someone else than their partner. Anger over spending time with friends, behavior and also repeated apologies of better behavior are signs of being in an obsessive relationship.
Obsessive love or True love
Love is supposed to be natural. It is supposed to be freeing rather than capturing. It is not about wanting to have a person, but about wanting a person to be happy no matter what. The most pure form of love stems from utmost selflessness and wanting to possess another human being is in itself an act of selfishness.
Such relationships usually do not work out. Society often put labels on such things, and many people pursue it, but unfortunately only few can actually achieve it. Love can be the easiest of things and relationships can be liberating when both the parties involved are truly ‘experiencing’ their relationship rather than just for the sake of labels.
I love you so much that nothing can matter to me – not even you…Only my love- not your answer. Not even your indifference.