A romantic relationship or a marriage without any problems is perhaps a fake one. It is true that all healthy relationships are constituted by various positive and negative aspects. Though another fact undeniably true is that too much of these negative aspects such as arguments and disagreements between the partners is unhealthy for any romantic relationship. In recent articles, some varied issues such as age disparity have been discussed. Let’s carry out an in-depth analysis of the most common and the most distinct issues faced by married or committed couple now a days.
Problems in Marriage and Reasons For Divorce
From a bad temperament to infidelity, separation can be due to many common reasons. Some of the most recurrent causes of a relationship going bitter to the extremes as separation based on a study done by the National Center for Biotechnology Information (NCBI) are:
Trust deficit & infidelity
Lack of trust in your partner could be either on the pretext of you being right on doubting him/her owing to his/her nature or character or it could be simply because you have an over reacting nature. In the former case, you must either give chance of separation might actually be the positive step. But in the latter case, you might end up being the spoil sport in your relation.
Extra marital affairs have now become a very common issue when it comes to marriages or committed relationships facing a breakdown. Whether arising from emotional abuse or financial disappointments or increased sexual interests in someone other than your partner are some of the obvious causes of him/her cheating on you. Many signs of your spouse probably into an extra marital affair have been discussed at a glance in the previous articles.
Lack of intimacy
Lack of sex and intimacy is another major culprit which serves to create troubles in a marriage or committed relationship. Worth stating a fact here is something that might bring a sarcastic smile on your face. How many times have you used “not to have sex despite of your partner’s urge” as your weapon in some ongoing or prolonged argument or discord with him/her? A frequent disappointment on behalf of your partner along with loads of disagreements are the root cause of lack of interest in physical intimacy with your better half, thus enhancing or deepening the physical distances between the two of you.
Health Problems and Addictions
Infertility or impotence is one of the causes of marital discords but it is usually not the primary issue in any marital discord. But, when it is, it is unexpectedly big reason. One in every seven couple face the infertility issues. The worst case scenario happens in the families with an orthodox background and thinking that results in the separation of couple or the male counterpart being remarried for the sake of a child.
Addictions to drugs or alcoholic substances can become a curse for your relationship. You wouldn’t realise and your relationship would be walking towards its end.
Secondly, this is the era of internet, chatting, whatsapp, social media and a whole bunch of other useless time consuming activities. This might seem a weird point of contemplation especially to the youth, but people, these are those kinds of involvements which soon become addictions without your realisations. In no time, your acquaintances on chat become more important and happening than your partner sitting right besides you!
May be on the onset of a relations when everything is lovey dovey and seems promising, finances are not so important to you, but it still remains vital to be considered. Future prospects should be decided according to the financial possibilities or rather capabilities. The consistent arguments on money is a very common cause of a bad relation.
Lack of commitment
Communication or rather the lack of it is the most common of all the issues cropping up post commitment or post marriage in between the couples. It is sometimes due to one of the partners taking the other of granted or due to the current lifestyle and hectic schedules that tend to leave very little or no space for togetherness to the couples. This can in a way also be attributed to mismanagement of time too. Too much of a communication void deepens it with time further giving rise to a heap of misunderstandings between the two people in a committed relationship.
Keeping expectations is not inappropriate, everyone expects something from his/her partner, it is the mental and emotional surety of the fulfilment of those expectations which plays a spoil sport. This either leads to confrontations and arguments or leads to cold war or silent cribbing. If you are facing one such issue, then the best way to deal with it is to look into how many of your partner’s expectations have you been able to fulfil so far.
Responsibilities post marriage are bound to increase with finances or children and many more with time. These need to well shared or else these would pose as a burden if followed by only one of the partners. If you have been thinking that kids were only her job, then you need to understand her need for some time off from daily chores!
Being bored of a monotonous lifestyle also acts as a reason for spoiling the peace in a relationship. It is natural and there is nothing abnormal about such a stage in life. All you need to do in this case is to perk up your relationship with a combination of various bubbly changes like random plans for a holiday or a date night out with him/her just like courtship times or some adult toys as gifts for no apparent occasion just to give him/her a click for a bedroom session on fire etc.
Domestic violence whether suffered silently or otherwise is a major issue now being considered seriously by masses. This is inclusive of abuses of various kinds, emotional, physical, verbal, sexual etc. The most surprising fact being that the victim of most of the abuses are unaware of the ongoing crime. Refer to the previous article on different kinds of abuses in a marital relationship.
A little and casual criticism is always welcome amongst couples but daily nagging and taunts takes away all reasons to stay together and beautiful marriages are not the outcome of a disturbed mind and a heart in pain.
Are you unhappy in your marriage?
Warning Signs That Your Relationship Is Making You Depressed
When you are in love you tend to bear all the nuisances and tantrums of your beloved. But at times the patience is lost which makes you enraged and depressed all the time. Following are some of the signs which are suggestive of the fact that yours is a relationship that’s making you depressed:
- You feel that he/she dominates you in every single thing. When every act of yours is being watched and criticised and corrected as per his/her requirement regardless of what and how you think of it as, you are in a depressive state.
- “That dress doesn’t suit you” or “What weird hairstyle is that?” etc. are the critical remarks you often come across, then you are probably in a worrisome state. You would also find that such criticism always has the “I” letter in it, how he thinks, how he feels etc.
- Even when at home you feel like being bossed around. He/she wants things done her/his way and it always comes as a command and not as a requesting gesture.
- When he or she tries to have a control over you, whether it’s about taking decisions or about overpowering in bed, you are heading towards depression.
- When your partner unhesitatingly abuses you and poses as “I am always right” kind of an attitude it makes you emotionally downtrodden and low which ultimately leads to your depressive state.
- It’s always “my way or no way” situation of imposing things on you.
- From grocery to cleaning to kids to any other daily chores you seem to be under a potential burden, you are or would soon land up being depressed.
Toxic Marriage – Fight or Flight?
Falling in love is easy as a cracking star, it happens in the blink of an eye and before you know about it, you have fallen head over heels. However, not every story is a fairytale, some end up in complicated glitches for a lifetime while others emerge victorious. Well, do they now? You don’t know what is going on beneath the surface. The happy couple might just be a facade for all and sundry while the reality was miles and miles away. Now, no one wants to be stuck in such sad situation all their life. Some people compromise while some walk towards freedom. Which one do you call triumph? Confusing, isn’t it? So, what does one do about it?
The best thing to do is to listen to your inner voice. Your inner voice can never be wrong. The worst thing that one could do to themselves is to suppress their inner voice. It will leave you emotionally and mentally disturbed and you shall be of no use to yourself or your family. Hence, it’s best to listen to your heart and make decisions accordingly.
Yes, you may be in love with him but you obviously love yourself more. If you’re not happy, you have every right in the world to seek happiness. You may decide after having given everything a thought. You will have to think from objective, emotional and practical angles before coming to a decision. Once you have made the decision, stick with it. It’s going to be difficult but you will have to persevere. Here is how you stick by your decisions –
If you decide to walk out
To be of good quality, you have to excuse yourself from the presence of shallow and callow minded individuals. ―Michael Bassey Johnson
- Walk out with grace You don’t have to stomp out like a kid. You are a level headed adult and it would be nice if you talk things out and let your partner know that you are leaving. If they are as level headed as you, they will understand. If they don’t, stomp out, you don’t really have an option.
- Accounts, transactions and more…..
If you two have been in a live-in relationship, you will have to sort out finances and things. Who takes what and how much money needs to be divided will have to be seen.
- Clean slate
You don’t want the burden of the past to bother you, do you? Ensure that you are completely done and are leaving nothing behind or taking anything with you. As tempting as it may be to keep a souvenir, for just now hide it at the back of your closet….you can reminisce over it later when the relationship becomes a lost memory. Right now, you don’t need that to refresh your memory anyway. So, better keep it away.
If you decide to stay
- Steel yourself woman!
It is not going to be an easy journey and it will take you a whole lot of effort to stay in the relationship where you aren’t happy but since you have made your decision, you will have to have a very strong will.
- Learn to adjust or put up a huge fight daily
Either ways, it is going to be hell. It is your choice about what you are going to do, if you have decided to stay in an unhappy relationship. Either you adjust with everything that you don’t like or you fight every day until you finally get it right.
- Don’t allow yourself to be mistreated
You might have chosen to be in an unhappy relationship but that doesn’t give anyone the right to mistreat you. You need to keep your self-respect intact under all circumstances. If your partner is unwilling to understand this, let him know so in very clear words.
And why is it, thought Lara, that my fate is to see everything and take it all so much to heart?―Boris Pasternak
- Take time out for yourself
There is every chance in the world that you are completely occupied with the relationship with absolutely no time for yourself. Ensure that you have personal time. Set aside a time and come what may, don’t give up that time for anyone ever. After all, only if you give yourself importance will others learn to do so.
It is usually expected of a woman to adjust to the whims and fancies of men but it isn’t necessary that all women shall consent to it. Every woman is free to make her choice. She can do whatever she likes as per her will. If she wishes to stay in the relationship, in spite of its demanding nature, it is her choice and if she does not, then also it is her choice.
No one has the right to force an individual into anything including a relationship. Therefore, respect a woman and do not misuse her. It takes courage to give yourself away to someone you aren’t happy with. Therefore, if you are still not respected, learn to stand up for yourself.
Where is the need to give yourself away to a man who doesn’t respect you or stand by you? You absolutely shouldn’t be doing something like this. It is hard to walk away from the man you have loved and given so much to, a man you have invested so much in but think of it as liberation. Think of all the bad times you have had together and you will automatically start to feel good. After all, not everyone has the strength to walk away from someone they are deeply in love with.
Remember that both walking away and staying in the relationship will require an equal amount of strength on an emotional level. However, walking away will mean that someday you will not have to be strong, someday you can forgo the past and look happily towards the future but staying in the relationship will mean that every single day is a fight it is up to you to choose. Sometimes, the pull of love is so strong that you just don’t want to go. Again, if you are staying out of love, then it is indeed a wonderful decision to make and hopefully, your man shall understand this someday.
The Effect of Divorce On Children
Children are known to be the most splendid gift in a relationship. They are those beautiful souls, who do not plead to come into existence, but two people in love and commitment bring them to life. It is therefore utmost duty of both the parents to be equally responsible for their upbringing. But, obviously, looking at the ever increasing divorce rates, children have just become a prop in a marriage. If you are having troubles in your relationship and are seriously giving the idea of separation a thought, then the facts below are for your consideration, may be not for you, but for your children-
- Every child looks upon his parents as his role models. But the loss of love between the parents are not unseen by the child. If you believe that you are able to hide the differences between you and your partner, then you are mistaken!
- Shaken trust- A child depends completely on his parents. But the mere thought of possible separation makes him the most insecure being, since he loses his trust on whether he should depend on any one of you. Basically, you lose your worth in front of your child, however bitter or unacceptable it might sound.
- You might successfully convince your child with your necessity to get divorced, but it would be truly imprudent of you to challenge your child’s expectations. Even post divorce the only thing that your child would ever dream of or think of would be to see his mother and father together again.
- Lack of socialization- Divorce or a disturbed relation between parents can lead to the child’s disinterestedness in mingling in the society. It is mainly due to the fear of or experience of bitter comments from the friends.
- Behavioural changes are one of the major transformations that a child goes through post divorce of his parents. And sadly, such changes are either ignored or never attributed to the original reasons. A child may become introvert or might become impolite and rude or even insensitive to other’s feelings. Since such changes are brought in by the personal life’s consequences, these do remain unamendable till long.
- Crying spells- If your child is ever happy and smiling when with you, don’t be fooled. You never know how much tears your child has shed digging in his face in the pillow. Mercy is the word people!
- Separations affects the overall academic development of your child. It puts a bad influence on your child’s concentration as well.
What Can You Do To Save Your Marriage From Falling Apart?
With commitment comes minor or major disagreements and thus some tension creating situations too. Excess of depression can lead to a broken marriage too. But when these situations become a norm and happen almost on a regular basis then they are bound to make the suffering spouse depressed. This calls for the role of the partner to make sure that the depressed spouse is taken good care of. Here are some ways by which you can prevent the situations in which marriage leads to depression:
- Try to be less critical and appreciate his/her activities. More you nag, worst the situation becomes.
- Share responsibilities. There is no harm in doing the laundry job or dropping the kids to school now and then to lighten the burden of responsibilities from her shoulders. If you are the victim in this case, then learn to say no to duties if and when you feel over burdened with those.
- Don’t act a dictator in everything. If you can be solely decisive about things, so can he/she be. Instead of imposing your thoughts and decisions on him/her, start discussing the matters and consider the viewpoints of both of you before deciding onto something. This would also help to kill the emotional distances between you two.
- Your partner’s prolonged depression is likely to make him/her lose temper every now and then or he/she might remain silent with not much reaction towards you. If you wish to mend things then it is advisable to bear with such a behaviour or temperament of your spouse till things are settled.
- Avoid being judgemental about everything. Do not discourage him/her. Your emotional, physical and mental support are the only things that can help your spouse in depression due to previous situations between you two or your insolent acts towards him/her.
Intimacy is vital for a romantic relationship or a marriage. Intimacy doesn’t only stands for being physically close, but it also means to have a certain understanding which brings you both emotionally closer as well. Remember, emotions play a huge role in bringing together of two people and not just the physical attraction. A marriage doesn’t start with depression. It is the situation that a person knowingly or unknowingly creates for his/her spouse which make the latter more like a slave or a prisoner than a better half. This role of dictatorship in troubled marriages isn’t gender specific, rather it’s men and women both in respective situations.
Even if you feel that remaining silent every time is keeping your spouse’s temper low and arguments at bay, you are not likely to last long neither would your patience. Learn to be assertive and be mindful that there is a huge difference between speaking up for yourself and arguing! A happy marriage doesn’t mean zero arguments.
The Guide to Save Your Marriage
How can you find happiness with the one you’ve chosen to be with?
Respect and Count Your Blessings
Respect goes a long way and can slowly vanish over time. It is easy to take advantage of the ones you love. You know they will love you unconditionally no matter how bad your day went or how angry you got at them for forgetting your birthday or not taking out the trash. Think of how you treat a stranger. You are more apt to be polite and help out a stranger rather than someone you see and live with every day. Life’s every day stress can tend to cause you to lash out at them and say things you wouldn’t say to a stranger. Respect may be something you need to put forth an effort for but it goes without saying that it will make a difference on a happy marriage.
Learn to adapt
You may have your own way of doing things or have your own set schedule on how you want to go about your day, but now you have a partner to share your life with. This means you adapt to their ways as well as show them how to learn to live your way. Somewhere in the middle there should be a happy ground that you can blissfully live in peace together.
Always remember nothing is constant. To celebrate in those happy times with your spouse is important. It is just as crucial to work through the troubling times together as well. If you are having problems at work, rather than going home and taking it out on your partner, talk to them and try to let them help you work it out. They may have a solution you could use that you haven’t thought of, or perhaps just talking to you and consoling you will be enough. It is better than taking it out on them and going to bed angry.
You have done your own thing before you met so why would that change now? It’s fun to do things together and learn to adapt to something he or she loves to do that perhaps you never tried before. Maybe it is something you never liked doing but you are willing to try with your spouse. But don’t worry if it is not your thing. Having your own hobbies and interests is healthy in a relationship. You can go and spend your afternoon in photography class while he works on that old 1968 Mustang and then perhaps get together later for an evening dinner before seeing a concert you both enjoy.
Express Love More Often
Being married and settling down with someone gets comfortable. You start to take things for granted and you get into a routine. Soon enough your life as a cozy couple ends and babies come along, or career changes, promotions, travel and other aspects of life. Try to stop and just look at the person you started it all with. Remember what you initially fell in love with. It’s still there. It is just clouded with everything else in your lives today. Remember how they made you feel when you first met? Share that with them even if it is just a passing thought. You’ll be surprised how much meaning it can hold.
Don’t downgrade your appearance because “oh it’s just him”. You always tried to look your best before you got married. You knew he was coming around or that she would be the same place you were going so you put that effort into your attire. This shouldn’t change just because you are married.
Spend quality time together. She still loves the way you hold her hand as you drive down the road. She still looks forward to the way you look at her as you kiss her good night. If the qualities she fell in love with before you were married lose their place in your lives, perhaps this will contribute to the loss of love later on down the road. If you don’t continue to give her what she fell in love with before, perhaps she will find it elsewhere. Perhaps you weren’t the guy she thought you were. Show her that you are.
Make Your Marriage Your Top Priority
It is easy to get lost in the shuffle of life’s activities. Some couples take this non-communication as not caring or falling out of love and divorce eventually occurs. There is nothing too important in your life that should override the reason you fell in love with your spouse. You have the control over your life. Don’t let life control you.
Taking a break from the rest of the world and making time for just the two of you is an important part of the retreat. Head out to some locales which are away from the humdrum of the city, switch off all the other modes of communication, yes, even those important e-mails from work, and enjoy the beautiful company of your special one, without interruption of the beeps from your smart phone.
Plan a trip, take that trip and enjoy it with all your might. Trips make everything alright and help you recuperate. Plan a trip in a romantic, exotic location, ask your spouse their choice of vacation spot, or why not just surprise them? Book the tickets for just the two of you, make reservations in a spa hotel, book massage parlors, and have a lot of private time. New places can help you renew your romance in ways you never knew. Go to some place new, some place exotic or some place that both of you always wanted to go, but never had the time to go. These places can help you find time for yourselves and your relationship as well.
Wifi Romance Signals
Communication is the key and one of the top values a couple should always practice. Always set time aside to talk about your day, how things are going at work or with the project they are working on. How do they feel on how everything is going? Show that you are listening and show that you care. They may feel they are in it alone, but with you by their side they will feel they can get through anything. Being a partner in a marriage is just as important as being a partner at work or with whatever you do in life.
Your connection with your spouse changes as your life changes but the stages you go through should carry through to all aspects of your relationship including the passion and intimacy. Just because she doesn’t make those butterflies flutter when she winks at you like she use to doesn’t mean you shouldn’t kiss her deeply before going off to work. Maybe those butterflies get replaced with an endearing compliment about her to your friends. Getting a baby sitter just so you can take her to a late night dinner at her favorite restaurant proves a lot and shows how caring you can still be after all of these years. It shows her you still care. Comfort doesn’t have to be the only valuable asset in your relationship.
Ask For Help
Asking for help from an expert can work wonders. There is no taboo about consulting psychics and astrologers in today’s world and we all know that they do work. You can share your worries, your experiences, your reservations and your needs. A new perspective helps us grow as a person and takes relationships to another mature level.
Finding the right person to spend your life with is a big accomplishment and you should be very proud of this. Don’t let time and ‘settling down’ settle you too far down and out of the relationship. You work hard to get ahead in your career so why not work hard in your relationship? It may take a little more effort to keep things alive but you thought enough of them to marry them so why not think enough of them to keep it active and vibrant?