I can understand your pain but don’t take it as a failure!
If you pay attention – close attention to your thoughts – you’ll see this negative self-talk is not only unnecessary but also real reason for grief and low-confidence.
All you need to do is either shutdown these thoughts, or pay attention to good things in life. The way to do that is deep relaxation, low stress and high state of health.
Did you ever notice breathing happens by itself, heart works by itself, blood is produced by itself, digestion, sleep, weather, temperature, air and so many other things which happen without our direct involvement and control. Humans are a tiny thing in this entire Universe and we cannot/do not control most things that affect our lives.
The success of one’s marriage is largely dependent on external factors beyond human control. So don’t blame yourself unnecessarily, and you deserve best of human experience and that’s certainly possible with a relaxed attitude and positive thinking.
Pay attention to your health, join any health program.